How I #HearHim

Jeff and I watched the face to face last night and Elder Rasband asked people to share how they hear Him. I love that he pointed out that we all hear Him in different ways. I know that is true, and not only that, but my way of hearing Him has evolved during different seasons of my life. 

Lately, being pregnant with my fourth, I have experienced and embraced having less energy than I would if I were not pregnant. Where before I was waking up early and exercising regularly, now I do not wake up early and I don't really exercise besides walking and stretching. This change did get me down first trimester, but now I have accepted it and feel at peace. That said, my scripture study has not been amazing lately -- meaning not very much time and not very many big insights.

However, I have definitely felt guided and felt a lot of peace. So in that sense I would say I am feeling close to the Spirit. I DO do scripture study -- some kind of reading of scripture or a conference talk -- each day, because I have a testimony and I want to keep it that way. I know it will keep me grounded in truth and help me not be deceived. But scripture study isn't currently the main way the Spirit is speaking to me.

So how do I hear Him? There are a variety of ways. One way I experience the Holy Ghost that I have felt throughout my life, is to feel the Spirit washing over my body like a wind, that gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes. This can easily happen when listening to powerful music, or can sometimes happen when listening to a speaker and you know that what they're saying is true, and that it is from God.

I want to share that I can also tap into this feeling while meditating and praying. While praying, I feel the Spirit most powerfully when I am the most reverent. When I express awe and praise towards God. When I express gratitude. 

Meditation and prayer are closely related. Partly because I am into meditation, and partly because kneeling while pregnant doesn't feel very good, I often end up seated cross-legged in my closet, opening my heart to God in that position. It feels naturally reverent towards God and also helps me feel like a sacred being. Sitting tall but relaxed with hands open and heart lifted just invites the Spirit to touch my spirit! Sometimes I just breathe, other times I imagine my Heavenly Parents, and just know that I am a daughter of God. It's a powerfully basic truth to tap into, and I love that I can do that simply with the power of my mind and being still. If anyone would like to learn more about meditating, please ask, I would love to share!

The other way the Spirit works with me is in guiding my mind with regard to decisions. For me, at every major decision point in my life, God has NOT told me what to do -- Which college to attend, which major to choose, whether to marry my husband or not, when to have babies. While I have prayed about all of these things, with each one, it was my choice. Now this does not mean God doesn't care or was not involved. On the contrary, I know He has guided me, and helped me make good decisions when I have asked. 

The most recent example of this was in deciding what to do for school for my children with the current circumstances. I had been stressed about this during the summer, and honestly not wanted to even think about it. I didn't like any of my options! So I decided I needed revelation. On a Tuesday evening, I decided I would go on a walk by myself the next morning. Even though I wasn't feeling very spiritual, I sang hymns as an offering of faith, and to invite the Spirit to be with me. I prayed for help in making this decision. In the morning, I went on a walk on a lovely trail near our neighborhood. On this walk, I actually didn't think about school at all. I was praying the entire time, but about my spirituality and discipleship. I listened to the talk The Beauty of Holiness, by Carol McConkie. I think I needed this time to come to a place of peace. Also, by the end of the walk, I decided I wanted to do a walk like this (in nature, just me) every week. And I realized, that whether I did distance learning or homeschool, self-care needed to be in place, and I would make that a priority.

That gave me the peace I needed to make a decision that would take courage. Talking with Jeff and with my parents about my concerns for the various options helped me sort through my thoughts. So from that place of peace, I was able to clearly see what I wanted, and also what fears were coming up. I was able to make a choice that I felt good about. 

As I shared on social media, I chose to do home school. While there were definitely reasons I thought I could never do homeschool, I feel that years of practicing mindfulness and doing thought work helped me to see past those reasons, and have confidence that I was making a decision I could stand by. So I would say the Spirit guided me in making this decision, but that the ways I have worked on my mind have allowed me to be receptive to this guidance. I felt peace from the beginning and haven't looked back!

Earlier this year Pres. Nelson said, “Do whatever it takes to increase your spiritual capacity to receive personal revelation."

I would submit that some of that "spiritual work" he mentioned a few years ago could be learning about and improving mental health. This is a worthy cause that has spiritual benefits! Improving the health of our minds is like sharpening the instrument through which we receive revelation. "The spirit and the body is the soul of man" and I love taking care of both!

For Richer

As my google maps took me to an older part of Columbus, I wasn’t really surprised. These resources tend to be located in poorer parts of town. But what does that even mean anyway? I have lived in the poor part of town most of my married life, and I am very rich. It’s all relative. There is income, and there is social capital. There is financial poverty, and there is spiritual poverty.

On this sunny Fall day, the old brick houses spaced tightly together along this street looked rather charming, though I’m sure many of them are rentals, and I saw an occasional boarded up unit.

I parked in the lot across from the food pantry. This was my third visit to a food pantry this month, but the first time on my own. I felt comfortable at this point – happy and grateful.

The first time I drove to a food pantry and saw the line of people outside of what I later found out was the “free store” for clothes and things, I didn’t think I could bring myself to go in. My friend was on her way to meet me (I think she had a hunch I could use support). I called her and knew I could be vulnerable with her.

“I can’t go in there, Caitlin.”

Empathetic but positive as ever (thank God for good friends!) she told me she understood, and that she felt some resistance when she first went. She asked me,

“What are you feeling? Undeserving? Prideful?”

Pride, I guessed. Being honest, I said, “I don’t feel like I belong here.”

She assured me she would go in with me. She described how she focuses on how we are all children of God. I love having a friend who testifies in everyday conversation.

Well we went in, and it was fine of course. I got some free produce.

I have since decided that because things are so tight with a mortgage and a post-doc salary, I might as well go to a food pantry once a week to stretch our money that much farther. After all, we completely qualify based on our income and family size. And I’m not taking from anyone else. The food is there for us to use!

Today as I approached this pantry I’d never been to before, I was greeted and helped by friendly staff--female and male, white and black, old and young. I was given a cart and plenty of bags to fill with as much produce as I could use. There was fresh corn and lettuce, there were potatoes, pears, peaches, tomatoes, watermelon as well as bread and milk. As I filled my bags, meal ideas came to mind – corn chowder, home made tomato soup, peach cobbler.

The word that kept coming into my mind was abundance. This was such an abundance of beautiful food, available to anyone who needs it! It would allow me to create wonderful meals for my family.

I hear about abundance from life coaches like Jody Moore and Brooke Castillo. They teach that there is plenty of money. That money is easy. I’ve pondered how this relates to a family who does not own their own business, and for a man who has been guided to academia, where there are politics to navigate. My husband is working really hard (and smart, I would add). It will pay off with a faculty position eventually, but in the mean time, well, here I am going to food pantries to save a few bucks to maybe spend on decorative pumpkins or something. It doesn’t seem like our positive thinking is translating into more $$$$.

But today I had a different perspective. When you think abundantly, you open your mind to different possibilities. This is why we chose to invest in a house instead of continuing to rent. This is why I felt prompted to open a piano studio in our home and utilize my new neighborhood to find students. This is why Jeff works later on Monday nights, teaching at the community college. And this is why I have become humble enough to go to food pantries.

There IS plenty of money. As we have leaned into our situation with open communication instead of stressing and worrying about it, we have gotten to know our finances better, and become more intentional than ever with what we do with our money.

Abundance is a mindset. Our income might not be multiplying yet, but we are being inspired to do more with what we have. Creativity is fueling my meal planning, home decor, and family activities. And with morning and night backyard play, music lessons and casual singing, storybooks, and lots of giggles, we have a truly rich life.

Tending to the Whole Soul

Mental Health for Latter-Day Saints

Have you ever felt distant from God despite your best efforts to live righteously? Have you ever felt darkness despite having the light of the gospel in your life? Have you ever felt sad and then quickly felt guilty because you know you are blessed with knowledge of God’s Plan of Happiness, and surely shouldn’t feel this way? Have you ever felt anxious and sought relief from gospel sources only to feel worse?

If you have, first of all, you are not alone. These feelings are very real, and can be confusing. And there are SO many people with these challenges. I have personally been through times of depression and have watched people close to me struggle with anxiety and other mental health issues. It can feel like one of the hardest mortal challenges because it attacks the very way we perceive life and the gospel – our mind.

Also, if not recognized or if misdiagnosed, mental health issues can have spiritual repercussions. An Ensign article from February 2016 expounded on depression and had this insight:

“Understanding that there are spiritual side effects from depression is important for Latter-day Saints dealing with their own depression or that of loved ones. Depression, in all forms, alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love, joy, or any of the fruits of the Spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the Church. This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge. It is essential to understand that such a spiritual crisis is not a result of spiritual weakness or lack of faith. Rather, depressive feelings and the resulting depressed view of one’s spirituality are usually caused by a chemical imbalance. Because our physical bodies and our spirits are necessarily connected (see D&C 88:15), it can be common to feel the effects of a physical disorder in a spiritual way, especially in the case of depression, which alters our very perception of ourselves. Therefore, it is important to seek out the actual source of such feelings, especially when experiencing the often-distorting effects of depression.”

Today I want to make a case for acknowledging mental illness (or a bad week of out-of-balance mental health) for what it is, and thereby achieving greater wholeness and connection.

We must be careful not to diagnose ourselves with a spiritual shortcoming when our struggle is actually a physical problem. It could be a chemical imbalance, a lack of self-care, or many other causes.

As people of faith, we may default to addressing feelings of despair or anxiety by sending up a frantic prayer, or pouring over the scriptures to find relief.

While praying and reading scriptures daily are essential to staying close to the Spirit and putting God first in our lives, they may not be the solution for emotional problems. For example, when we are depressed or experiencing a panic attack, reading MORE scriptures will likely not improve the situation, because it is not a spiritual problem. So let us be wise.

The physical needs that we have are not less important than our spiritual needs. Nor are they less holy.

It has been said that we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience. Part of that mortality is having a body with emotions. These feelings are not bad, but are just part of being human, and, I believe, when properly managed, part of being a god. It is my belief that learning how to deal with our feelings in healthy ways is an important part of our refinement.

There is some natural tension between the body and the spirit. If left unchecked, the body’s appetites would encourage us to lead a hedonistic life without regard for the feelings of others or our own long-term well-being. So we definitely don’t want the body to rule the spirit.

My only problem with striving to always prioritize the spirit (our personal spirit) is that can misguide us to believe the body is the enemy. The truth is that our body is sacred.

The Lord has said,

“The spirit and the body are the soul of man.” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15)

Tending to the needs of your body is not less important than the needs of your spirit. Your body is a temple. It is sacred.

Good sleep, regular exercise, and wise nutrition are all hugely important for our mental health and overall well-being. In my opinion these endeavors are just as vital to our eternal journey as is scripture study and prayer are. Mind – body – spirit wholeness is a noble pursuit.

For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;

And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:33-34

It is not a battle of the spirit conquering the body. They are to be completely connected and filled with light. Pursuing wholeness is the journey of a lifetime, and it is possible because of Jesus Christ.

This fabulous Ensign article from 1985 about the body put it really well:

“People who understand these truths understand that the “real” self, or soul, is both body and spirit. They may feel a oneness, an inner satisfaction, as both parts work together in righteousness…..they want to prepare, both in body and in spirit, to live with their Heavenly Father again.”

It is fundamental to our theology that this process of sanctification involves not only the spirit, but the body as well. As we give heed to the promptings of the Spirit and purify our lives, the Lord promises: “your whole bodies shall be filled with light, … and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. (D&C 88:67)

Barbara Lockhart, Ensign February 1985

So if caring for our physical bodies is worth our best efforts, what are some things we can do to help with our mental health? I will share a few things that have been helpful for me and that seem important to me.

Physical

First, we have to take care of the basic physical needs.

Consistent, sufficient sleep is the BIGGEST asset to mental health.

If there is chronic, diagnosed mental illness, medication is very important! If you need permission from an apostle, here is Elder Holland:

If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.

Get to a stable place and then you can work on the many other things that can boost emotional health.

Exercise is well-known to be hugely beneficial for both body and mind.

Wisely pursuing good nutrition has an impact on the state of the mind and spirit as well as the body.

All of these physical aspects of life, when pursued with moderation, are holy because your body is sacred and is connected with your spirit.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is all the rage right now, and I think that is because it is so needed. Mindfulness is being fully present in your body and with your feelings. This is ideally a way of being, but in today’s world, it requires practice.

We can practice mindfulness any time (while eating, in the shower, on a walk, on a break at work). But it can be beneficial to set up a regular meditation practice, such as by using an app that you can use in the morning or afternoon, before bed, or whenever works for you.

Most meditations begin by inviting you to focus on your breath. This is the best way to get you to bring your consciousness to the present moment, and into your body. Sometimes that is the entire practice. Other times there is some work on the way we think, which can also be very helpful.

Meditation is beneficial in the moment, but also has an impact on how we respond to stressful things that come up in our day. Over time, we can become less reactive, and more aware of what we are feeling, and more conscious and intentional about the way we think.

For me, being in nature is a way to connect my body and spirit

Yoga

Yoga is like a physical mindfulness practice. The more I do it the more I realize that it is not about getting into intense poses, or becoming super flexible. Yoga is about starting where you are. And yes, you do become more strong and flexible, and because yoga is all about the mind-body connection, your mind and spirit will also become more strong and flexible.

When I practice yoga it feels like a powerful act of self-love, and a way to reverence my body. This reverence makes me more peaceful and open to the Spirit.

Feeling our feelings

It is very important to allow both positive and negative emotions within ourselves, rather than burying them, or “buffering” with distractions and false pleasures. Remember that both positive and negative emotions are part of the mortal experience and key to God’s Plan. (2 Nephi 2:11, 24-25)

If you have been taught that certain feelings are wrong, it may take some work to change that belief inside yourself. Also, some feelings are just uncomfortable, and we naturally resist them. Learning to allow them takes practice.

Feeling our feelings allows us to actually solve our problems, rather than disconnecting and aggravating them. It is a more whole way of living. Like Adam and Eve, our eyes can be opened to the good and the evil, and to the “joy of our redemption.” (Moses 5:10-11)

Thought work

The thing that has helped me with a lot of these concepts is an arena of the self-help world called “Thought work.” I learned about this first from Jody Moore on her podcast Better Than Happy. She is a Latter-day Saint “life coach” who has a business helping anyone who wants help in this area and produces a free podcast episode weekly. She learned a lot of what she does from Brooke Castillo, founder of the Life Coach School, who also has a podcast you can listen to. I’m sure there are many other people teaching similar things, but these are the ones I have been exposed to and that have really helped me.

Because the truth is, there are many things we can’t control in life, but the one thing we can control is ourselves. And what we sometimes don’t realize is how everything we do stems from the way we think. We think so automatically sometimes though that we aren’t even aware of how hidden beliefs are affecting us. Listening to these podcasts and doing the work to become aware of my thoughts, and being open to different, more helpful thoughts, has been life-changing in my motherhood, other relationships, and my productivity. Think about how much time and energy you can save by not worrying about some of the things that occupy your mind that are completely out of your control. It is so freeing! And when you let go of the figurative junk in your mind, it clears space to actually do what you want to do and be who you want to be. This is intentional living.

The help of the Lord

Of course we can’t do any of this without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. Whether it’s the love of our Father which reminds of our worth and gives us a reason to even try in the first place, or the enabling power of Christ’s atonement when we are trying to do something beyond our capacity, He is the beginning and the end, the author and the finisher of our faith.

I am sure many of us have had times when we are in a dark place and we wish the Lord would just pull us out, but we are left there seemingly to struggle on our own.

He never abandons us. But I do think He must know there are lessons too precious to miss out on if he were to take away our burden right away. He also certainly can and does guide us to resources and influences that can help us learn these priceless lessons about peace and happiness. I know I have experienced that in my own life and the lives of loved ones.

Don’t give up on your faith. Keep praying. Pour out the desires of your heart to Him.

I would like to add however that in my experience, doing these other acts of self-care, such as taking even just a few minutes to meditate (sit and focus only on breathing), or doing a simple yoga practice, or going to bed early when I’m exhausted, help me to have more heartfelt prayers and meaningful gospel study. I feel that in order to truly connect with God, I must be connected with myself. In order to give my heart to Him, I need to take the time to be still and get clear on what is going on in my heart.

I hope anyone reading this who struggles with mental health will know that the Lord loves you, you are not alone, and that the things you are learning and going through will “work together for your good.” (Doctrine and Covenants 98:3). And that tending to the whole soul-- body, mind and spirit-- is a holy pursuit that will yield deeper connection to self, to God and to others. In other words, deeper joy.

Recommended Books

Let God Love You by Wendy Ulrich

Self-Compassion by Kristen 

Sophia's Birth Story

The week of the birth I was busy trying to get things done, while also taking the girls to do fun things, and battling the strange joint pain and inflammation that would come every afternoon or evening and make it hard to do anything. I was a little bit stressed, and sometimes a grumpy mom. Not as peaceful a birth week as I had hoped! But things worked out. I had some lovely outings with friends, Jeff helped with cleaning, and I finally finished the freezer meals the night before. 

Getting these girls to help is no small task, but holding a movie over their head helped

Made lasagna for the first time! One for that night, one for the freezer

We were blessed to have some wonderful friends watch the girls the day of the birth, and they even let us bring them the night before my induction, saving us a lot of hassle in the morning. Thank you to the Hoyts!

These cuties all ready to go to the Hoyt's house for the night. My heart!

As I wrote in my previous post, I was being induced at 38 weeks and 4 days due to my mild case of cholestasis of pregnancy. I did not want to be induced, but felt good about following this recommendation and a lot of peace about the day of June 15. I delivered OSU Wexner Medical Center, and have only good things to say about the hospital, and the midwives I saw.

The morning of I felt anxious and ready to get started. It took a while getting checked in and things. Despite my efforts to eat dates and bounce on a yoga ball, I was still only dilated to 1 cm. The plan was to start with a foley balloon and a medication, the name of which escapes me, in order to dilate my cervix in preparation for pitocin. I was told that rarely does the foley balloon start actual labor.

It was 9:30 am by the time they had inserted the balloon and medication. It wasn't too comfortable and I followed the advice to rest. I was wishing I could pee but I kept drinking water anyway and hoped for the optimistic two hours rather than four that it could take to dilate to a 4. I closed my eyes for a while and then watched Fixer Upper.  During that time Jeff walked the 200 feet across the street to his office to work for a couple hours since he doesn't get paternal leave and has limited sick leave. 

Lo and behold, after 2 hours I had dilated to 4 cm! The nurse even double checked after pulling out the balloon. The policy is to not do anything (like pitocin) for a total of 4 hours after the balloon is in, so I waited. The cool thing was, I was starting to feel actual contractions about every 5 minutes.

Thank Heaven above, I was in labor! I didn't have to get pitocin. I didn't have to have an IV in my port. I didn't have to have continuous fetal monitoring and would be free to walk the halls with ease. Answered. Prayer.

So walk the halls I did. Jeff was with me during the whole process, except when I was resting with the balloon. 

A big thank you to my friend Jennie for coming and capturing these moments!

During contractions I am very focused and just breathe through or moan. Jeff knows I like quiet and no touch, and others in the room usually catch on pretty quickly. In the hall there was a bar I could hold during a contraction. The nurse recommended I squat during a contraction. I tried, but for me it didn't feel too good. I just sort of sat a little bit. 

I was SO grateful to have a midwife around during the whole process. She gave me a sort of assignment every 30 minutes that I could try if I liked. Every 30 minutes I had to be checked on the heart monitor, so that timing worked out. 

The next thing I tried was leaning over the back of the upright bed. This felt very relaxing for me. This is when we got out my ocean wave sounds. I had started using that as background for my mindful breathing and stretching months before, and it had a really relaxing effect on the whole room. Again, just breathing or moaning through contractions and getting encouragement but mostly quiet.

Next I sat backwards on the toilet, leaning on pillows. She said 15 minutes was a good goal for this one as it is intense and after a while your legs will hurt. I was still really calm even though contractions were getting more intense. At this point an image of a lavender field and bees buzzing came into my head and I went with it. For the next while, every time I had a contraction I would go to that place and imagine the details. I next moved back to walking the halls and kept up this visualization. 

After that I was happy to move to the bed. This seemed like a good time to try the "peanut ball" my nurse was so enthusiastic about. It is perfect for opening your pelvis while lying on your side. This is the same position I was in with Abby during transition. I figured I was close to that point. And I was. Things were getting more intense. I knew from before that transition would be quick, and that is what got me through it. At this point I dropped the lavender and visualized the head descending into the pelvis. Contractions were rough, but in between I could sigh and smile and think about meeting my baby girl. 

I was dilated to a 7 and the midwife said they could break my water and have a baby within an hour. I agreed. 

Jeff guesses transition was about 20. I got a little louder. I was gripping the mattress. Sometimes I moaned with an wide open mouth, thinking of Ina May's teachings that the state of mouth reflects onto the state of the cervix. Sometimes I breathed a quick breath like through a straw. Whatever came to mind I just did! This part was not fun, but again, I knew it wouldn't be long, and Jeff did too, and he kept reminding me of that. I think with labor a big key is not resisting the pain. The pain is bringing your baby. (Maybe it's not that simple for everyone, but for me that seems to work). 

I'm not sure about all the details or the order of the events of the next few minutes. At some point they took away the peanut ball, asked me to stop gripping the mattress and to hold my leg instead. At some point I sort of felt a painful urge to poop and voiced this. "That's the baby coming!" is the reply I expected and received. 

I have read many stories where pushing feels so satisfying it's not really painful. As I wrote this post, I started writing that it did hurt for me, but it was quick. Jeff thinks I was pushing for 5 or 10 minutes tops. However, after looking at the pictures I have, I'm not sure I remember this part very clearly. I can see from the photos that I was in pain, and then after the photo of the head crowning (not included here), my face looks very calm. So maybe pushing didn't hurt! I don't remember. It was quick anyway.

Baby girl was born at 3:55 pm. There had been meconium in my water, for the third time. But this time, as I was informed when I asked at a previous appointment, I would still be able to hold my baby immediately, while the team checked her breathing and everything. So grateful policies like this are changing!

When I am pushing I am totally in the zone of my body. I remember forcing myself to open my eyes and look down when I knew the baby was coming. I think I closed them again though. But being able to hold that slimy body right away helped me to snap out of my intense focus on my own body, and focus on her. This was so nice! A big difference from when I birthed Abby unmedicated and she was immediately taken away to be checked. In that case I felt a huge feeling of accomplishment and relief but was not bonding with my baby -- the very reward for my efforts! 

When she first came out she seemed gray and was not crying. The chord was wrapped around her neck once. The hospital practices delayed chord clamping (how much cooler can a hospital get?) but after 30 seconds they clamped the chord and then she pinked up and started crying.

It's a wonderful feeling holding my baby and knowing that being on my chest is the very best place in the world for her to be. And there she was! We spent probably an hour like this, trying breastfeeding on and off when she was interested. Precious time.

It also comforted me to hold her because after delivery there were some complications with getting my placenta out, having too much bleeding and needing some blood clots removed. This involved the midwife literally reaching her hand into my uterus to get everything out and prevent a need for surgery. Let's just say at that point I was happy to get some pain medication pumped into my IV along with the pitocin and other medication they gave me to facilitate recovery.

The midwife told me that my placenta showed some signs of aging, so it was good she came early. This was confirmation that we did the right thing being induced. Heavenly Father was looking out for this girl!

A boring hospital room sure becomes a sacred space when a baby is delivered. We love this baby girl, and are so grateful for the many blessings that accompanied her birth. At 6 lb 8 oz she is the smallest baby I've had by over a pound. Her size is not only cute, but also reminds me that Heavenly Father was involved in the timing of her birth.

We love Sophia Renee!