An October Night

Tonight, five of us lied on the trampoline looking up at the cloud-streaked, star-specked sky as our backyard campfire died down. I read How to Scare a Ghost, Where the Wild Thing Are, and Goodnight Moon. The oldest child read her A to Z Mystery book with a flashlight. I sang song after song while the three-year-old drifted off to sleep, snuggling with a barely awake Daddy.

Yes, it was as magical as it sounds. 

I was singing songs that mean a lot to me. It was like connecting my childhood to that of my children. 

Songs from BYU Choirs - my college days, when my faith was strong and pure in its young way.

 

The sure provisions of my God

Attend me all my days

Songs from my youth driving around in the family van, listening to Charlotte Church. Songs I sang at the piano.

A bit of earth

She wants a little bit of earth

She’ll plant some seeds

Songs from Barbara Streisand that cut all the way through to my soul because they ring so true. 

The more I live, the more I learn

The more I learn, the more I realize

The less I know

Hymns. The simple Christian hymns like How Great Thou Art, that were always powerful, and will always be powerful. 

God is God. My understanding of Him changes and evolves as I evolve. But He is still God. Unlimited by my limitations. 

I’m so grateful for the healing I’ve experienced this year. Yesterday I turned 33. I didn’t do anything grand. My day did include yoga, quiet time for my school-work, a beautiful Fall bouquet from Jeff, hand-written cards from the children, a scented candle from a sweet colleague of Jeff. 

I love Fall. But deeper than my enjoyment of this season right now, is a return of peace for me, after a long time of wrestling. After a season of exploring the freedom and fluidity of the yin side of spirituality, I am remembering the grounded nature of the yang. The safety that structure provides. 

At our stake conference last weekend I felt very blessed to hear the words of Elder Kinard, the visiting Area Seventy as he taught us from the scriptures, that the day will come when we will know that Christ is the only person who can save us. He will advocate for us, if we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are how we show him that we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are one of the beautiful things the church gives us. 

This week I shared on social media that I started taking an anti-depressant this year. I feel blessed that for some reason, sharing that type of thing doesn’t scare me at all. After I published the post I looked back and could see all the ways in which I could have phrased things better. Also, it is hard to sum up 9 or 10 years of life in one little post. So it’s not as simple as “I’ve been depressed for 9 years, I tried self-help but I was still depressed so I decided to try medication and it worked.” It has been a whole journey with different chapters that gave me different things. 

From my days in the trenches with two babies, to thriving with three, to searching with four. It was changing my thought patterns here, life circumstances changing there, practicing meditation for a while, feeling lost for a while, healing in my family, feeling numb, breakdown and growth in my marriage, wrestling with spiritual questions, followed by getting what I feel is revelation at my stake conference.  Thank you to my mother for praying for me that week. I feel converted. I am different going forward from that weekend.

Each mile I travel only means

The more I have to go

What's wrong with wanting more?

If you can fly, then soar

With all there is, why settle for

Just a piece of sky?

I still have more to learn. But these words from Brent Nielson in General Conference resonate with me:

"I bear my witness of His desire to heal you."

The Birth Story of James Alvin

My friend arrived to watch our girls on Sunday afternoon, and as I passed her on my way out the door I said, “this is going to be the worst car ride of my life.” In the driveway I gripped the car door handle and uttered yet another prayer, “God please help me.” Jeff came out and I told him we might need to go to Doctor’s Hospital (10 minutes) instead of OSU (20-25 minutes). As he was about to pull out of our neighborhood going north I said, “we need to go to Doctor’s.” He swerved to the south and proceeded to speed down Broad street. Minutes later we were walking into the ER, me hanging onto Jeff with almost all my weight. Next I was being wheeled in a chair by two female security guards over to labor and delivery. When they realized how close I was they picked up the pace.

This was quite the entrance to the birthplace of my fourth child. But what is also interesting is that up until less than an hour before this moment, I believed I was having a home birth.

I had been seeing two midwives for prenatal appointments for months. I had purchased their birth kit, and gathered supplies of my own such as towels and receiving blankets. The month before, we finally painted our sandy-colored bedroom and bathroom walls to be a beautiful neutral color, creating a nice space in which I could envision myself laboring, giving birth and recovering. I had hired a photographer and was so excited to capture these precious memories. I’ll admit I was also excited to share my story and my photos to let people know what is possible. I have loved reading natural birth stories, including home birth stories, for years and I wanted my story to be one of those that inspires others.

I was looking forward to having a water birth, something that always sounded so appealing to me. We had sanitized our own spacious tub for this purpose.

My girls were excited to be present. My oldest loves hearing me talk about birth and seeing pictures and sometimes videos of births. I know from the many stories I’ve read and watched that children can do really well with the process of birth.

So how did we get to this point of racing to the nearest hospital, just in time for me to deliver? Well, it fits right along with everything else in 2020, doesn’t it! So many things have been different than we expected.

I feel very blessed that for my birth, the matter of my own safety and that of my baby was actually not the concern that led to this sudden change of plans. There is a strange set of circumstances that went into play, and whenever that happens, I know that it was just simply meant to be. I may not know the reason, but I am completely at peace with the way my birth panned out. It was actually awesome and now that it’s over I love the story.

So let me back up a bit. The week before, on Tuesday, I had seen a friend, as I often do. We made salt dough ornaments with the kids and had a lovely time. Talked a lot about birth in fact. As we often do. :) Well two days later she was sick, and on the third day her husband was confirmed to have COVID-19. My first reaction was of gratitude that I was not sick! I told this to my mom, who was planning to arrive Monday to help me. My mom has MS and was not willing to risk getting COVID. She would be delaying her flight until I got a negative test. This is when I realized that even though I believed I was not sick, in order to responsible I would need to not only get tested, but isolate and tell people that I had potentially been exposed.

To add to the matter, Friday night I had contractions. Those didn’t go anywhere and I was able to sleep.

Saturday night I had contractions the entire night. I lied in bed and breathed through each one. I was being very mindful and thinking about the baby, who I could feel stirring sometimes right before a contraction. They didn’t pick up, but they just kept coming, such that I didn’t get any sleep. The contractions continued into the morning this time.

Here, my emotional climate is worth mentioning. I was clearly in early labor, but I was having a hard time accepting it because I was not at peace with my circumstances. This labor was earlier than I had anticipated - three days before the due date. My mom’s arrival was now uncertain, and not only that, but because of the circumstances I was worried about finding anyone who could watch the kids while I labored. Also, I needed to let the midwives know the situation and see what their policy was.

I called one of my midwives, and she said that because I didn’t have any symptoms they could still come. They would be wearing masks regardless. I texted a couple friends, explaining everything, to see if someone could come watch the kids.

There was just one more thing leaving me unsettled. I didn’t feel confident about how to know when to call the midwives. Part of me knew that once I’m in active labor, things go quickly. But as it was, with contractions consistently about 10 minutes apart, it wasn’t time. And I guess I was in that place where I was in pain, but there seemed to be no end in sight.

Also, to be honest, and I shared this with several close friends and family members during my pregnancy — despite believing in natural birth and wanting to do a home birth, in some ways I had also been dreading it, for months. I knew that labor is hard and I was not excited about it. Well here I was, in labor, with children all around, and the events of the day and the week totally uncertain.

My dear friend got a hold of an N95 mask and was ready to come as soon as we needed her. I just kept breathing through contractions, telling Jeff I wasn’t feeling brave enough to want them to get harder, but wanting to get it over with at the same time. The midwife thought maybe they were just warm ups - which I sort of knew better than that, but that thought was in my mind also making me miserable.

It was Sunday. I went on a walk because that was sort of in my vague birth plan. Called my sister and told her about the stress. We did our little sacrament as a family. Jeff gave me a priesthood blessing. Eventually we decided to watch Book of Mormon videos on our TV downstairs. At this point I tried the hot rice bag Jeff made for me 8 years ago for my labor with Elena. That felt good. I tried to get comfortable watching the videos but it wasn’t going very well. At one point I turned from being on my right side to being on my left.

There was a little pop and I was wet. My water broke! That had never happened to me in early labor before.

Well this was exciting though intense news. This was really happening. I texted the midwife, expecting her to say they would come right away. I knew things would be picking up here.

Well a few minutes later the other midwife called and informed me that according to their policy they actually could NOT attend my birth with my COVID status unknown.

So that was kind of big news, and yet I didn’t feel shocked or distraught. At this point, I honestly felt relieved. I knew I just needed to get to the hospital and then I would have my baby. I was even thinking I would like an epidural. I was tired of being in pain and feeling fear.

I texted my friend to come. Jeff and I started packing in between contractions. Things were getting more intense, and I was having a harder time coping with the pain. Also the girls were dealing with the shock of suddenly finding out they would not be able to see the birth. In addition, their parents are leaving for at least one night. There were some tears. We showed them love. I knew it would be hard for them, but that they would also grow from this experience.

These last few minutes before leaving I was definitely praying for help. No eloquent words, just “God, please help me.”

God does hear these prayers of course. And I think I received his help in the form of clarity. It began to dawn on me that the reason I was in so much pain was because I was close to being ready to push. This honestly gave me so much hope. There is a purpose to this pain! And it also gave me the clarity that this car ride I was dreading needed to be as short as possible, and that going to a different hospital than we would normally go to was important and necessary. So as we sped down the road, while I was bracing the inside of the car at the pain, I was starting to feel more peace.

I return now to the picture of me being wheeled down the hall by the security guards. One asked if I could tell her when I was having a contraction. I was moaning and closing my eyes. “I’m pushing.” I really was bearing down. I knew it was so close. They started running. We arrived in a small empty room, with nothing but a bed/table. I said “clothes...” They cheerfully responded “oh don’t you worry,” and something about who was coming to help. Well I stood up, tore off the robe I was wearing. Pulled down my pants and got on that table on my hands and knees. I was about to push out a baby.

People were arriving. Someone helped me turn over, which was fine, but then they did the typical attempt to get me on my back (I’m so tired of that) “WHY?” I demanded. I said I’ve delivered two babies on my side (upon reflection I realized that was not accurate - only one - but I know I wanted to twice). They relented, saying “alright, we’ll just have to have someone hold your leg.” That’s right, you will. Amazing the conversations we have to have sometimes when we’re about to push out a human.

So I was pushing! It took maybe 5 minutes. I wrote in my journal that I felt the familiar raw, dry, stretching sensation, but I was less afraid of it. I was totally committed and knew it was almost over. Jeff showed up from parking the car just in time. The head came partially out, and they let me know I needed one more push. Then a few more pushes and that body was out.

Oh! Cries of joy - I did it! I was SO relieved it was over. I got to hold his slimy body on my belly as I just basked in the relief. Yes!!!!

Our beautiful James is here! 
He was 9.0 lbs
Of all the things I tried to visualize, I at least got this right
I was hoping for a 9 lb baby (and not much bigger)

Our handsome boy
Of course, I have no pictures of the birth -- this is hours later

I will say that the hours post partum, I was mourning the loss of my home birth a little bit. I had heard amazing things about the post partum period, resting on your own bed, no one poking and prodding you. As it was, I was wheeled to another room before my placenta even came out. After it was delivered, a student proceeded to sew me up (first degree tear) with the OB watching over and correcting her. I was being asked a barrage of questions, having my blood pressure checked, and being invited to try breastfeeding whilst the cuff was tightening around my arm. It was a little frustrating and kind of amusing, but I knew it was just the nature of having not only a hospital birth, but one in a hospital where they have no information about you.

That first night, I communicated with my nurse that I wanted to sleep, and she kindly minimized the number of people coming in and said I could call her for my vitals when I was up feeding the baby anyway. So that was very nice.

The relief after an unmedicated birth is so big
And my recovery this time has been amazing!

This robe was one choice that helped my hospital experience be a little more pleasant! So much easier to nurse in than those gowns with the confounded snaps! Also it's soft and I feel beautiful in it. Highly recommend!

I feel so blessed and at peace. I am so grateful that I had a smooth delivery and that I have a healthy baby. It was quite the day, but once I gave birth I just felt so grateful for the crazy journey, and that God had helped me through it. Also, despite not having the home birth I was envisioning, I did feel very empowered and in control as I entered the hospital. I knew exactly what my body was doing and I was in charge. So in that sense, I had the beautiful birth I was hoping for. 

How I #HearHim

Jeff and I watched the face to face last night and Elder Rasband asked people to share how they hear Him. I love that he pointed out that we all hear Him in different ways. I know that is true, and not only that, but my way of hearing Him has evolved during different seasons of my life. 

Lately, being pregnant with my fourth, I have experienced and embraced having less energy than I would if I were not pregnant. Where before I was waking up early and exercising regularly, now I do not wake up early and I don't really exercise besides walking and stretching. This change did get me down first trimester, but now I have accepted it and feel at peace. That said, my scripture study has not been amazing lately -- meaning not very much time and not very many big insights.

However, I have definitely felt guided and felt a lot of peace. So in that sense I would say I am feeling close to the Spirit. I DO do scripture study -- some kind of reading of scripture or a conference talk -- each day, because I have a testimony and I want to keep it that way. I know it will keep me grounded in truth and help me not be deceived. But scripture study isn't currently the main way the Spirit is speaking to me.

So how do I hear Him? There are a variety of ways. One way I experience the Holy Ghost that I have felt throughout my life, is to feel the Spirit washing over my body like a wind, that gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes. This can easily happen when listening to powerful music, or can sometimes happen when listening to a speaker and you know that what they're saying is true, and that it is from God.

I want to share that I can also tap into this feeling while meditating and praying. While praying, I feel the Spirit most powerfully when I am the most reverent. When I express awe and praise towards God. When I express gratitude. 

Meditation and prayer are closely related. Partly because I am into meditation, and partly because kneeling while pregnant doesn't feel very good, I often end up seated cross-legged in my closet, opening my heart to God in that position. It feels naturally reverent towards God and also helps me feel like a sacred being. Sitting tall but relaxed with hands open and heart lifted just invites the Spirit to touch my spirit! Sometimes I just breathe, other times I imagine my Heavenly Parents, and just know that I am a daughter of God. It's a powerfully basic truth to tap into, and I love that I can do that simply with the power of my mind and being still. If anyone would like to learn more about meditating, please ask, I would love to share!

The other way the Spirit works with me is in guiding my mind with regard to decisions. For me, at every major decision point in my life, God has NOT told me what to do -- Which college to attend, which major to choose, whether to marry my husband or not, when to have babies. While I have prayed about all of these things, with each one, it was my choice. Now this does not mean God doesn't care or was not involved. On the contrary, I know He has guided me, and helped me make good decisions when I have asked. 

The most recent example of this was in deciding what to do for school for my children with the current circumstances. I had been stressed about this during the summer, and honestly not wanted to even think about it. I didn't like any of my options! So I decided I needed revelation. On a Tuesday evening, I decided I would go on a walk by myself the next morning. Even though I wasn't feeling very spiritual, I sang hymns as an offering of faith, and to invite the Spirit to be with me. I prayed for help in making this decision. In the morning, I went on a walk on a lovely trail near our neighborhood. On this walk, I actually didn't think about school at all. I was praying the entire time, but about my spirituality and discipleship. I listened to the talk The Beauty of Holiness, by Carol McConkie. I think I needed this time to come to a place of peace. Also, by the end of the walk, I decided I wanted to do a walk like this (in nature, just me) every week. And I realized, that whether I did distance learning or homeschool, self-care needed to be in place, and I would make that a priority.

That gave me the peace I needed to make a decision that would take courage. Talking with Jeff and with my parents about my concerns for the various options helped me sort through my thoughts. So from that place of peace, I was able to clearly see what I wanted, and also what fears were coming up. I was able to make a choice that I felt good about. 

As I shared on social media, I chose to do home school. While there were definitely reasons I thought I could never do homeschool, I feel that years of practicing mindfulness and doing thought work helped me to see past those reasons, and have confidence that I was making a decision I could stand by. So I would say the Spirit guided me in making this decision, but that the ways I have worked on my mind have allowed me to be receptive to this guidance. I felt peace from the beginning and haven't looked back!

Earlier this year Pres. Nelson said, “Do whatever it takes to increase your spiritual capacity to receive personal revelation."

I would submit that some of that "spiritual work" he mentioned a few years ago could be learning about and improving mental health. This is a worthy cause that has spiritual benefits! Improving the health of our minds is like sharpening the instrument through which we receive revelation. "The spirit and the body is the soul of man" and I love taking care of both!

For Richer

As my google maps took me to an older part of Columbus, I wasn’t really surprised. These resources tend to be located in poorer parts of town. But what does that even mean anyway? I have lived in the poor part of town most of my married life, and I am very rich. It’s all relative. There is income, and there is social capital. There is financial poverty, and there is spiritual poverty.

On this sunny Fall day, the old brick houses spaced tightly together along this street looked rather charming, though I’m sure many of them are rentals, and I saw an occasional boarded up unit.

I parked in the lot across from the food pantry. This was my third visit to a food pantry this month, but the first time on my own. I felt comfortable at this point – happy and grateful.

The first time I drove to a food pantry and saw the line of people outside of what I later found out was the “free store” for clothes and things, I didn’t think I could bring myself to go in. My friend was on her way to meet me (I think she had a hunch I could use support). I called her and knew I could be vulnerable with her.

“I can’t go in there, Caitlin.”

Empathetic but positive as ever (thank God for good friends!) she told me she understood, and that she felt some resistance when she first went. She asked me,

“What are you feeling? Undeserving? Prideful?”

Pride, I guessed. Being honest, I said, “I don’t feel like I belong here.”

She assured me she would go in with me. She described how she focuses on how we are all children of God. I love having a friend who testifies in everyday conversation.

Well we went in, and it was fine of course. I got some free produce.

I have since decided that because things are so tight with a mortgage and a post-doc salary, I might as well go to a food pantry once a week to stretch our money that much farther. After all, we completely qualify based on our income and family size. And I’m not taking from anyone else. The food is there for us to use!

Today as I approached this pantry I’d never been to before, I was greeted and helped by friendly staff--female and male, white and black, old and young. I was given a cart and plenty of bags to fill with as much produce as I could use. There was fresh corn and lettuce, there were potatoes, pears, peaches, tomatoes, watermelon as well as bread and milk. As I filled my bags, meal ideas came to mind – corn chowder, home made tomato soup, peach cobbler.

The word that kept coming into my mind was abundance. This was such an abundance of beautiful food, available to anyone who needs it! It would allow me to create wonderful meals for my family.

I hear about abundance from life coaches like Jody Moore and Brooke Castillo. They teach that there is plenty of money. That money is easy. I’ve pondered how this relates to a family who does not own their own business, and for a man who has been guided to academia, where there are politics to navigate. My husband is working really hard (and smart, I would add). It will pay off with a faculty position eventually, but in the mean time, well, here I am going to food pantries to save a few bucks to maybe spend on decorative pumpkins or something. It doesn’t seem like our positive thinking is translating into more $$$$.

But today I had a different perspective. When you think abundantly, you open your mind to different possibilities. This is why we chose to invest in a house instead of continuing to rent. This is why I felt prompted to open a piano studio in our home and utilize my new neighborhood to find students. This is why Jeff works later on Monday nights, teaching at the community college. And this is why I have become humble enough to go to food pantries.

There IS plenty of money. As we have leaned into our situation with open communication instead of stressing and worrying about it, we have gotten to know our finances better, and become more intentional than ever with what we do with our money.

Abundance is a mindset. Our income might not be multiplying yet, but we are being inspired to do more with what we have. Creativity is fueling my meal planning, home decor, and family activities. And with morning and night backyard play, music lessons and casual singing, storybooks, and lots of giggles, we have a truly rich life.

Tending to the Whole Soul

Mental Health for Latter-Day Saints

Have you ever felt distant from God despite your best efforts to live righteously? Have you ever felt darkness despite having the light of the gospel in your life? Have you ever felt sad and then quickly felt guilty because you know you are blessed with knowledge of God’s Plan of Happiness, and surely shouldn’t feel this way? Have you ever felt anxious and sought relief from gospel sources only to feel worse?

If you have, first of all, you are not alone. These feelings are very real, and can be confusing. And there are SO many people with these challenges. I have personally been through times of depression and have watched people close to me struggle with anxiety and other mental health issues. It can feel like one of the hardest mortal challenges because it attacks the very way we perceive life and the gospel – our mind.

Also, if not recognized or if misdiagnosed, mental health issues can have spiritual repercussions. An Ensign article from February 2016 expounded on depression and had this insight:

“Understanding that there are spiritual side effects from depression is important for Latter-day Saints dealing with their own depression or that of loved ones. Depression, in all forms, alters perception, making it difficult to feel peace, love, joy, or any of the fruits of the Spirit. It becomes easy to misinterpret sorrow as condemnation by God, thus causing spiritual struggles and sometimes inactivity in the Church. This may cause further distress for individuals and families facing this challenge. It is essential to understand that such a spiritual crisis is not a result of spiritual weakness or lack of faith. Rather, depressive feelings and the resulting depressed view of one’s spirituality are usually caused by a chemical imbalance. Because our physical bodies and our spirits are necessarily connected (see D&C 88:15), it can be common to feel the effects of a physical disorder in a spiritual way, especially in the case of depression, which alters our very perception of ourselves. Therefore, it is important to seek out the actual source of such feelings, especially when experiencing the often-distorting effects of depression.”

Today I want to make a case for acknowledging mental illness (or a bad week of out-of-balance mental health) for what it is, and thereby achieving greater wholeness and connection.

We must be careful not to diagnose ourselves with a spiritual shortcoming when our struggle is actually a physical problem. It could be a chemical imbalance, a lack of self-care, or many other causes.

As people of faith, we may default to addressing feelings of despair or anxiety by sending up a frantic prayer, or pouring over the scriptures to find relief.

While praying and reading scriptures daily are essential to staying close to the Spirit and putting God first in our lives, they may not be the solution for emotional problems. For example, when we are depressed or experiencing a panic attack, reading MORE scriptures will likely not improve the situation, because it is not a spiritual problem. So let us be wise.

The physical needs that we have are not less important than our spiritual needs. Nor are they less holy.

It has been said that we are spiritual beings having a mortal experience. Part of that mortality is having a body with emotions. These feelings are not bad, but are just part of being human, and, I believe, when properly managed, part of being a god. It is my belief that learning how to deal with our feelings in healthy ways is an important part of our refinement.

There is some natural tension between the body and the spirit. If left unchecked, the body’s appetites would encourage us to lead a hedonistic life without regard for the feelings of others or our own long-term well-being. So we definitely don’t want the body to rule the spirit.

My only problem with striving to always prioritize the spirit (our personal spirit) is that can misguide us to believe the body is the enemy. The truth is that our body is sacred.

The Lord has said,

“The spirit and the body are the soul of man.” (Doctrine and Covenants 88:15)

Tending to the needs of your body is not less important than the needs of your spirit. Your body is a temple. It is sacred.

Good sleep, regular exercise, and wise nutrition are all hugely important for our mental health and overall well-being. In my opinion these endeavors are just as vital to our eternal journey as is scripture study and prayer are. Mind – body – spirit wholeness is a noble pursuit.

For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fulness of joy;

And when separated, man cannot receive a fulness of joy.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:33-34

It is not a battle of the spirit conquering the body. They are to be completely connected and filled with light. Pursuing wholeness is the journey of a lifetime, and it is possible because of Jesus Christ.

This fabulous Ensign article from 1985 about the body put it really well:

“People who understand these truths understand that the “real” self, or soul, is both body and spirit. They may feel a oneness, an inner satisfaction, as both parts work together in righteousness…..they want to prepare, both in body and in spirit, to live with their Heavenly Father again.”

It is fundamental to our theology that this process of sanctification involves not only the spirit, but the body as well. As we give heed to the promptings of the Spirit and purify our lives, the Lord promises: “your whole bodies shall be filled with light, … and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. (D&C 88:67)

Barbara Lockhart, Ensign February 1985

So if caring for our physical bodies is worth our best efforts, what are some things we can do to help with our mental health? I will share a few things that have been helpful for me and that seem important to me.

Physical

First, we have to take care of the basic physical needs.

Consistent, sufficient sleep is the BIGGEST asset to mental health.

If there is chronic, diagnosed mental illness, medication is very important! If you need permission from an apostle, here is Elder Holland:

If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation.

Get to a stable place and then you can work on the many other things that can boost emotional health.

Exercise is well-known to be hugely beneficial for both body and mind.

Wisely pursuing good nutrition has an impact on the state of the mind and spirit as well as the body.

All of these physical aspects of life, when pursued with moderation, are holy because your body is sacred and is connected with your spirit.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is all the rage right now, and I think that is because it is so needed. Mindfulness is being fully present in your body and with your feelings. This is ideally a way of being, but in today’s world, it requires practice.

We can practice mindfulness any time (while eating, in the shower, on a walk, on a break at work). But it can be beneficial to set up a regular meditation practice, such as by using an app that you can use in the morning or afternoon, before bed, or whenever works for you.

Most meditations begin by inviting you to focus on your breath. This is the best way to get you to bring your consciousness to the present moment, and into your body. Sometimes that is the entire practice. Other times there is some work on the way we think, which can also be very helpful.

Meditation is beneficial in the moment, but also has an impact on how we respond to stressful things that come up in our day. Over time, we can become less reactive, and more aware of what we are feeling, and more conscious and intentional about the way we think.

For me, being in nature is a way to connect my body and spirit

Yoga

Yoga is like a physical mindfulness practice. The more I do it the more I realize that it is not about getting into intense poses, or becoming super flexible. Yoga is about starting where you are. And yes, you do become more strong and flexible, and because yoga is all about the mind-body connection, your mind and spirit will also become more strong and flexible.

When I practice yoga it feels like a powerful act of self-love, and a way to reverence my body. This reverence makes me more peaceful and open to the Spirit.

Feeling our feelings

It is very important to allow both positive and negative emotions within ourselves, rather than burying them, or “buffering” with distractions and false pleasures. Remember that both positive and negative emotions are part of the mortal experience and key to God’s Plan. (2 Nephi 2:11, 24-25)

If you have been taught that certain feelings are wrong, it may take some work to change that belief inside yourself. Also, some feelings are just uncomfortable, and we naturally resist them. Learning to allow them takes practice.

Feeling our feelings allows us to actually solve our problems, rather than disconnecting and aggravating them. It is a more whole way of living. Like Adam and Eve, our eyes can be opened to the good and the evil, and to the “joy of our redemption.” (Moses 5:10-11)

Thought work

The thing that has helped me with a lot of these concepts is an arena of the self-help world called “Thought work.” I learned about this first from Jody Moore on her podcast Better Than Happy. She is a Latter-day Saint “life coach” who has a business helping anyone who wants help in this area and produces a free podcast episode weekly. She learned a lot of what she does from Brooke Castillo, founder of the Life Coach School, who also has a podcast you can listen to. I’m sure there are many other people teaching similar things, but these are the ones I have been exposed to and that have really helped me.

Because the truth is, there are many things we can’t control in life, but the one thing we can control is ourselves. And what we sometimes don’t realize is how everything we do stems from the way we think. We think so automatically sometimes though that we aren’t even aware of how hidden beliefs are affecting us. Listening to these podcasts and doing the work to become aware of my thoughts, and being open to different, more helpful thoughts, has been life-changing in my motherhood, other relationships, and my productivity. Think about how much time and energy you can save by not worrying about some of the things that occupy your mind that are completely out of your control. It is so freeing! And when you let go of the figurative junk in your mind, it clears space to actually do what you want to do and be who you want to be. This is intentional living.

The help of the Lord

Of course we can’t do any of this without the help of the Lord Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. Whether it’s the love of our Father which reminds of our worth and gives us a reason to even try in the first place, or the enabling power of Christ’s atonement when we are trying to do something beyond our capacity, He is the beginning and the end, the author and the finisher of our faith.

I am sure many of us have had times when we are in a dark place and we wish the Lord would just pull us out, but we are left there seemingly to struggle on our own.

He never abandons us. But I do think He must know there are lessons too precious to miss out on if he were to take away our burden right away. He also certainly can and does guide us to resources and influences that can help us learn these priceless lessons about peace and happiness. I know I have experienced that in my own life and the lives of loved ones.

Don’t give up on your faith. Keep praying. Pour out the desires of your heart to Him.

I would like to add however that in my experience, doing these other acts of self-care, such as taking even just a few minutes to meditate (sit and focus only on breathing), or doing a simple yoga practice, or going to bed early when I’m exhausted, help me to have more heartfelt prayers and meaningful gospel study. I feel that in order to truly connect with God, I must be connected with myself. In order to give my heart to Him, I need to take the time to be still and get clear on what is going on in my heart.

I hope anyone reading this who struggles with mental health will know that the Lord loves you, you are not alone, and that the things you are learning and going through will “work together for your good.” (Doctrine and Covenants 98:3). And that tending to the whole soul-- body, mind and spirit-- is a holy pursuit that will yield deeper connection to self, to God and to others. In other words, deeper joy.

Recommended Books

Let God Love You by Wendy Ulrich

Self-Compassion by Kristen 

Sophia's Birth Story

The week of the birth I was busy trying to get things done, while also taking the girls to do fun things, and battling the strange joint pain and inflammation that would come every afternoon or evening and make it hard to do anything. I was a little bit stressed, and sometimes a grumpy mom. Not as peaceful a birth week as I had hoped! But things worked out. I had some lovely outings with friends, Jeff helped with cleaning, and I finally finished the freezer meals the night before. 

Getting these girls to help is no small task, but holding a movie over their head helped

Made lasagna for the first time! One for that night, one for the freezer

We were blessed to have some wonderful friends watch the girls the day of the birth, and they even let us bring them the night before my induction, saving us a lot of hassle in the morning. Thank you to the Hoyts!

These cuties all ready to go to the Hoyt's house for the night. My heart!

As I wrote in my previous post, I was being induced at 38 weeks and 4 days due to my mild case of cholestasis of pregnancy. I did not want to be induced, but felt good about following this recommendation and a lot of peace about the day of June 15. I delivered OSU Wexner Medical Center, and have only good things to say about the hospital, and the midwives I saw.

The morning of I felt anxious and ready to get started. It took a while getting checked in and things. Despite my efforts to eat dates and bounce on a yoga ball, I was still only dilated to 1 cm. The plan was to start with a foley balloon and a medication, the name of which escapes me, in order to dilate my cervix in preparation for pitocin. I was told that rarely does the foley balloon start actual labor.

It was 9:30 am by the time they had inserted the balloon and medication. It wasn't too comfortable and I followed the advice to rest. I was wishing I could pee but I kept drinking water anyway and hoped for the optimistic two hours rather than four that it could take to dilate to a 4. I closed my eyes for a while and then watched Fixer Upper.  During that time Jeff walked the 200 feet across the street to his office to work for a couple hours since he doesn't get paternal leave and has limited sick leave. 

Lo and behold, after 2 hours I had dilated to 4 cm! The nurse even double checked after pulling out the balloon. The policy is to not do anything (like pitocin) for a total of 4 hours after the balloon is in, so I waited. The cool thing was, I was starting to feel actual contractions about every 5 minutes.

Thank Heaven above, I was in labor! I didn't have to get pitocin. I didn't have to have an IV in my port. I didn't have to have continuous fetal monitoring and would be free to walk the halls with ease. Answered. Prayer.

So walk the halls I did. Jeff was with me during the whole process, except when I was resting with the balloon. 

A big thank you to my friend Jennie for coming and capturing these moments!

During contractions I am very focused and just breathe through or moan. Jeff knows I like quiet and no touch, and others in the room usually catch on pretty quickly. In the hall there was a bar I could hold during a contraction. The nurse recommended I squat during a contraction. I tried, but for me it didn't feel too good. I just sort of sat a little bit. 

I was SO grateful to have a midwife around during the whole process. She gave me a sort of assignment every 30 minutes that I could try if I liked. Every 30 minutes I had to be checked on the heart monitor, so that timing worked out. 

The next thing I tried was leaning over the back of the upright bed. This felt very relaxing for me. This is when we got out my ocean wave sounds. I had started using that as background for my mindful breathing and stretching months before, and it had a really relaxing effect on the whole room. Again, just breathing or moaning through contractions and getting encouragement but mostly quiet.

Next I sat backwards on the toilet, leaning on pillows. She said 15 minutes was a good goal for this one as it is intense and after a while your legs will hurt. I was still really calm even though contractions were getting more intense. At this point an image of a lavender field and bees buzzing came into my head and I went with it. For the next while, every time I had a contraction I would go to that place and imagine the details. I next moved back to walking the halls and kept up this visualization. 

After that I was happy to move to the bed. This seemed like a good time to try the "peanut ball" my nurse was so enthusiastic about. It is perfect for opening your pelvis while lying on your side. This is the same position I was in with Abby during transition. I figured I was close to that point. And I was. Things were getting more intense. I knew from before that transition would be quick, and that is what got me through it. At this point I dropped the lavender and visualized the head descending into the pelvis. Contractions were rough, but in between I could sigh and smile and think about meeting my baby girl. 

I was dilated to a 7 and the midwife said they could break my water and have a baby within an hour. I agreed. 

Jeff guesses transition was about 20. I got a little louder. I was gripping the mattress. Sometimes I moaned with an wide open mouth, thinking of Ina May's teachings that the state of mouth reflects onto the state of the cervix. Sometimes I breathed a quick breath like through a straw. Whatever came to mind I just did! This part was not fun, but again, I knew it wouldn't be long, and Jeff did too, and he kept reminding me of that. I think with labor a big key is not resisting the pain. The pain is bringing your baby. (Maybe it's not that simple for everyone, but for me that seems to work). 

I'm not sure about all the details or the order of the events of the next few minutes. At some point they took away the peanut ball, asked me to stop gripping the mattress and to hold my leg instead. At some point I sort of felt a painful urge to poop and voiced this. "That's the baby coming!" is the reply I expected and received. 

I have read many stories where pushing feels so satisfying it's not really painful. As I wrote this post, I started writing that it did hurt for me, but it was quick. Jeff thinks I was pushing for 5 or 10 minutes tops. However, after looking at the pictures I have, I'm not sure I remember this part very clearly. I can see from the photos that I was in pain, and then after the photo of the head crowning (not included here), my face looks very calm. So maybe pushing didn't hurt! I don't remember. It was quick anyway.

Baby girl was born at 3:55 pm. There had been meconium in my water, for the third time. But this time, as I was informed when I asked at a previous appointment, I would still be able to hold my baby immediately, while the team checked her breathing and everything. So grateful policies like this are changing!

When I am pushing I am totally in the zone of my body. I remember forcing myself to open my eyes and look down when I knew the baby was coming. I think I closed them again though. But being able to hold that slimy body right away helped me to snap out of my intense focus on my own body, and focus on her. This was so nice! A big difference from when I birthed Abby unmedicated and she was immediately taken away to be checked. In that case I felt a huge feeling of accomplishment and relief but was not bonding with my baby -- the very reward for my efforts! 

When she first came out she seemed gray and was not crying. The chord was wrapped around her neck once. The hospital practices delayed chord clamping (how much cooler can a hospital get?) but after 30 seconds they clamped the chord and then she pinked up and started crying.

It's a wonderful feeling holding my baby and knowing that being on my chest is the very best place in the world for her to be. And there she was! We spent probably an hour like this, trying breastfeeding on and off when she was interested. Precious time.

It also comforted me to hold her because after delivery there were some complications with getting my placenta out, having too much bleeding and needing some blood clots removed. This involved the midwife literally reaching her hand into my uterus to get everything out and prevent a need for surgery. Let's just say at that point I was happy to get some pain medication pumped into my IV along with the pitocin and other medication they gave me to facilitate recovery.

The midwife told me that my placenta showed some signs of aging, so it was good she came early. This was confirmation that we did the right thing being induced. Heavenly Father was looking out for this girl!

A boring hospital room sure becomes a sacred space when a baby is delivered. We love this baby girl, and are so grateful for the many blessings that accompanied her birth. At 6 lb 8 oz she is the smallest baby I've had by over a pound. Her size is not only cute, but also reminds me that Heavenly Father was involved in the timing of her birth.

We love Sophia Renee!

Cholestasis and Thoughts on Natural Birth

This pregnancy I have been diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy. Otherwise I am very healthy and this pregnancy has been pretty smooth, or typical. I am starting to feel that fatigue that comes toward the end, but I just try to keep my day simple, and not stay up too late, and I get through. The end is in sight!

Cholestasis is a condition where for some reason (probably pregnancy hormones) your liver slows down the production of bile. This causes a build up of bile acids in the liver, which can spill into the blood stream. The main symptom is itchiness.

However, there are also risks to the baby. There is an increased risk of unexplained stillbirth, so it is recommended that the mother be induced early, between 37-38 weeks.

When I found out about this I was of course a little stressed. A few days later I asked Jeff for a priesthood blessing, and was assured that the baby would be fine, but also counseled to follow the advice of the medical professionals.

So for some time now we have known (after double and triple checking) that it is recommended that I be delivered early. Early on we looked at the calendar and felt really good about June 15. That is 38 1/2 weeks for me.

The funny thing is, I have about the most mild case of cholestasis possible. This, and some other things lead me to believe this is just meant to be this time around.

First of all, it was amazing that my friend Jennie noticed me itching my arms, and told me to talk to my midwife about it. What my midwife told me about cholestasis actually convinced that I didn't have it. But they ordered labs and my blood level was just high enough to diagnose. A second blood draw a couple weeks later, my level was even lower. For many weeks I have not even been itchy at all.

Another interesting factor is that I had been stressing about when to have my mom come -- trying to avoid her choir rehearsal times and concert dates, but choosing between having her come for the birth and staying shorter, or coming later (somehow surviving) and staying longer. I went back and forth and neither of us felt a rush for her to buy plane tickets.

Additionally, as a post-doc, Jeff does not have any vacation days, personal time off, not to mention paternal leave. And his sick days have stipulations. So I was pretty worried about getting help and support while recovering and adjusting to life with a newborn and two other children.

I have now been officially scheduled to be induced June 15. Because my case is so mild, and I am having non-stress tests every week, the high-risk OB is comfortable letting me wait till 39 weeks to be induced.

This date solves those problems! My mom knows when to come and can stay a good amount of time. Jeff and I chose a day that is a Friday, so he can just use one sick day initially, and be with me that first special weekend.

So while I would otherwise never want to be induced, I of course want to protect the baby, and this is working out as a blessing for me as well. I am so grateful for the peace I feel.

That said, it is interesting, because I have been reading this most wonderful things about birth, and am looking so forward to doing it again with no epidural. I am slightly sad that I will have to be induced artificially, and will have to be in the hospital for the entire labor process, instead of starting at home. I imagine it will be more challenging to do it naturally with pitocin, but I am grateful to know of many other women who have done it.

It is important for me to just let myself be sad about this, but I also think I will work out as best as possible. I have midwives that are supportive of my desires to have a natural birth, the hospital has many options for laboring positions available, they will allow me to give birth in whatever position I like. Also, I know I need to keep my mind open, and whatever needs to happen will be fine.

But you better believe, I will be doing all the natural things the week of my induction, to help my body prepare!

Can I share some beautiful passages from a birth story in my new favorite book, The Gift of Giving Life?

In sharing this, I realized that some women reading this may have not yet had the opportunity to give birth, and others who have given birth, may have had a very different experience. That is ok. Just like with anything that is good and true, I think it is worth sharing for that very reason -- it is good and true.

This is from the story of Neoma Gould, who was actually induced for medical reasons as well. The labor was not easy, but with the support of her husband, using the birthing ball, receiving a priesthood blessing, and laboring in the hot bath, she made it to transition and pushing without getting an epidural.

"At that point [pushing] all breathing patterns went out the window. I made all sorts of moaning sounds...the pushing went fast. Before I knew it, the baby just slimed right out. I was surprised. I remember being amazed at how when the baby came out the pain relief was instantaneous and complete. It was all gone, and I felt wonderful -- exhausted but wonderful. Our baby was here. He was beautiful and perfect.

"I was overwhelmed by feeling of awe at what my body had just done. It was so hard. It was so painful and yet it was incredibly fulfilling and empowering. I was so glad I chose to experience all of it. I felt so close to God.... billions of women all over the world and throughout the millennia had experience this same thing. They had all felt contractions. We had all come nigh unto death to bring forth life.

"Since then I've reflected on how going through a natural birth has helped me better understand Christ's Atonement. During the intensely painful part of labor, I remember wondering if there was any other way, but I knew the only way for this spirit to come to earth was through my body. I chose to submit my desires to God's will.

"...I know God chose to have His children come to earth through pregnancy, labor and delivery, with all its discomforts and joys. He must have designed it this way for a reason. Heavenly Father didn't do this to women as a punishment, but as a blessing."

Sheri Dew has said, "Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us. 

The ability to give birth is part of our divine inheritance as women, whether or not you have gone through it yet. I love the beautiful things I am learning as I read story after story of a variety of different birth experiences -- hospital births, home births, C-sections, inductions-- where all of the women have a prayerful attitude and a spiritual perspective. (shameless plug for this incredible book!!! I can't say enough good about it)

I am so excited to give birth again and to meet this little girl!