A Letter to Myself

An assignment from my therapist that I enjoyed:

Dear Elisa,

Five years later, and we are settling into a new life. I remember those days in Anzio apartments, in Tempe Arizona, with Jeff in grad school and the bishopric with two little munchkins, like it was yesterday. Things are beautiful now, but I want you to know I miss some things. And more importantly, where we are now is only because of who we became going through that wilderness. 

Now the girls are both in school (??!!) and I sort of miss those simple days at home with both of them, where I was their primary care giver and teacher. Morning fights with Elena over doing her hair, Abigail crying every single time I put on her PJs.

I miss the baby feet. OH those babuh toes!
I don't miss the sleepless nights, but I miss the sweetness of breastfeeding.

As much as I resented the environment of the apartments, I sort of miss those crazy afternoons where I couldn't calm the chaos until I filled the baby bath outside and let the girls play as I watched from the kitchen window. The girls blissfully unaware of the mess of gravel, spit, dog poop, cigarette ashes and who knows what out there in their play yard. I miss chasing Abigail up those stairs because nothing could stop her little active, explorer heart.

I miss baby hands. I miss Elena saying, "I love you, Mommy," and wanting me to put her to bed. I miss Elena's funny words and phrases like "last morning," and, "hanitizer".

I miss the people. The quirky ward. The amazing friends.

I almost miss the crazy smells in the apartment complex -- cigarette smoke, trash, pot, Asian food, Mexican food, fast food. Ok maybe I don't miss those, but the grit. The grit that came from wanting to move to our own home with a yard SO badly, but having to wait. The inner yearning that came from having my morning walks in search for peace disrupted by a parking lot full of cars and greasy pavement, with smoke and swear words lingering in the air.

Most of all I am grateful for who I became, for who we became, from going through that. You did your very best! You tried your very hardest to deal with a climate you hated, a depressing environment, loneliness, discouragement. You put yourself out there and made friends and created a good life for your little family.

Hang on and trust that "all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord." [D&C 98:3]

With Love,
Elisa