A New Dawn

I have recently been reminded of my great need to share things I have learned in order to find meaning in my experiences.

Basically I am emerging from a several month depression. I am doing a LOT better. Yay!

I believe for me it was caused mostly by long-term sleep deprivation. What I mean by that is for months on end, I almost never got longer than three hours of uninterrupted sleep. This post is not about baby sleep, so I will leave it at that.

What did this look like for me? There are different levels of depression, and I would say mine wasn't severe. In fact, I think my coping skills and faith is what kept it almost manageable and hard to identify in myself or to be perceived by other people as needing help.

I was in survival mode, despite being 8 and 10 months down the line from the newborn baby phase that is by nature a survival stage. I was exhausted. Normal tasks like shopping, cooking and cleaning seemed completely overwhelming. I have struggled with shocking and uncharacteristic anger, unfairly directed at my 3 year old. Figuring out the baby sleep seemed impossible, getting my baby to eat more food seemed impossible. I was so tired! I could hardly make decisions. I understood the importance of breaks, exercise, dates, doing things for me, but it was hard to get them, or get them consistently. I felt tied to my breastfed baby so it was hard to schedule things. Even going on dates it was hard to relax (though I know it was still good). Add to that the many other circumstances that are in opposition to my happiness right now. But it's not just these circumstances - it's the mental state of feeling truly "not ok." Going to church and hanging out with friends sometimes left me feeling more isolated, because I felt like people didn't understand what a hard time I was having.

But this is why I am writing this. Realizing I was depressed and reaching out for help made all the difference!

One day I was reading symptoms of postpartum depression and saw that it is not always characterized by lots of crying or feeling sad. Some of the symptoms were anger and feeling totally overwhelmed. That's how I felt! I had depression! I'm not crazy, I don't have a lack of faith, motherhood isn't the worst thing in the world, I'm not a super lame mom, my friends aren't totally inadequate, I have depression! This realization helped me change my expectations for myself, not be so discouraged and reach out and get help.

To me, realizing and accepting mental illness helps you feel better about yourself and your life.

I have many more thoughts on this subject, but I will save that for another post.

Reasons I'm doing better: I started going to therapy which is wonderful to get validated and receive counsel and get some clarity on what I've been going through and where I can go from here. I went on an awesome trip to Indianapolis for a PKU Conference which was great on many levels - a break from parenting, a new place, a hotel stay, a fun and very fulfilling experience, reminding me of who I am and what some of my passions and abilities are. I went to a family reunion in Colorado, escaped the abominable Arizona heat, spent time with family, had breaks from my kids, spent time in nature, enjoyed how happy my children are when playing outside, had fun myself. Upon returning we made changes to get Abigail to sleep more so I have been getting longer stretches of sleep. This is probably the biggest difference. Other good things - Elena has started a part-time pre-school -- yay! I am singing in a professional level choir again for the first time since being married. Fall is almost here and it is our last school year in Arizona/this apartment/grad school. Wohoo!!

Life is looking up. It's a new dawn.

A little Motherhood prose

Lately things have been a little crazy...in my life...and in my mind. I will just leave it at that.

I just wanted to jot down a few thoughts while the girls eat some veggie sticks. And it may be weird, but this is the way I write sometimes. If you want a much better written blog post, see the previous one. I just re-read it, that was a good one!

Also, I am going to get some "professional help," in addition to this writing therapy.


Maybe I need to re-write my internal dialogue
Instead of focusing on my struggles and all the things I can't do, inside and outside motherhood, focus on
What am I doing?
I am sustaining life, nurturing creativity, blah blah blah. 
All the things that motherhood is.
I just now realized there is throw up from last week on the cupboard...

This is a huge sacrifice.
But if I embrace the sacrifice it will be less scary.


People talk about wishing they enjoyed these moments more.
People also talk about wishing people wouldn't tell them to enjoy it more.
Maybe it's supposed to be hard to enjoy, let alone survive.
Maybe it's also supposed to be looked back on with the fondness that can only come from going through it and struggling.



Some pictures from recently

Sick Elena last Monday. Honestly, the best day of my week. She took two naps. Jeff stayed home from work because it was the first business day after his week long trip to Sweden. It was fun to be with him! We did laundry (see next picture) and got organized and watched Fixer Upper.

First time successfully French-braiding. Now THAT is exciting. I watched some YouTube videos and realized something I had been doing (or, thinking, since I've hardly devoted any time to this) wrong

Awesome Dad. Helping me with aforementioned craziness as well as taking care of me when I got sick Saturday and Monday. Awesome PhD candidate. Just passed his comprehensive exam! Yay! One more year...we will survive!

Elena had this idea to make the crib into a fort today. :) Thus began the poetry in my head. 

Mostly I played with Abigail outside of it so she wouldn't mess it up. But this was a cute moment.

Life is hard and it's OK

I recently read an article from Time about how to deal with anger based on neuroscience. Basically it said that according to science,  neither suppressing anger or venting it helps. The only thing that can help you feel differently is if you distract yourself, or in essence, change your perspective. For instance, if someone is blowing up at you and you tell yourself "it's not about me, they must be having a bad day," you can feel totally calm despite the confrontation. 

This has really stuck with me and I think it can apply to other things as well. I know my husband has learned the only thing to help with anxiety is to accept it and experience it. I know when I have negative thoughts I can't address them, I have to shift to a different thought pattern. It's about re-writing your mental dialogue. That supports what we learn in the gospel, that in our trials our eternal perspective allows us to have peace.

Last night I had a chance to apply this in another way. It hit me that having a child disobey you is a very unpleasant feeling. But as I was praying about it I realized maybe it's not bad to experience unpleasant feelings. I cannot control my child. The scripture came to mind, "Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high." [D&C 121:7-8] If you endure it well! It's not about avoiding discomfort, it's about doing the right thing. So applied to parenting (my life right now) that means learning how to be a good parent, rather than trying to control my child.

So without getting into specifics of how to parent, I think as in all things, this is a balance of finding God's will - what He wants us to change (and we can only change ourselves, even if that means how we influence our child) and what he wants us to accept.

Lately I have been surprised at how delicate my faith is. Things can be going well and I can feel great one day, and the next feel completely discouraged. Maybe it's part of the package of being a young parent with little sleep, constant change and unpredictability, and not much time for personal devotions or exercise. But I think it is probably just life! The covenant path is not an easy one!

This article in the January Ensign, Revealed Realities of Mortality was also very insightful. Hard work is our common lot, and the way to become more like God. Marriage and parenting are also the vehicle to our refinement and exaltation. This sentence definitely resonated with me right now:

"Bearing children is neither easy nor convenient, but it is a commandment that helps us realize the real blessings of mortality.

So I am trying to embrace that life is hard and turn to the Savior for help. This world is so evil, and life has so much opposition. But I am choosing faith. And I believe that will help me find joy in the journey.

my Joy

To Arizona

I feel like I owe Arizona an apology. Anyone who knows me will know I have whined a lot about living here. I'm sure it's been obnoxious even.

While this Is still not where I want to settle and raise our family, I just want to acknowledge that Arizona is not all bad and explain that my strong negative emotions came I believe as a result of a combination of many circumstances. Yes the summer heat is horrible, but it is also the ghetto complex we live in, the loneliness I felt for a long time, being pregnant during the summer, my husband being in grad school etc.

On the contrary, today I feel there are many beautiful things that are special to me about my time here.

Sunsets, those desert bushes that smell amazingly like water, the mountains and stars.

Mostly the friends. I know once we finally leave this place and settle into our new home who knows where, my heart will ache for the many wonderful and deep friendships I have formed here.