My friend arrived to watch our girls on Sunday afternoon, and as I passed her on my way out the door I said, “this is going to be the worst car ride of my life.” In the driveway I gripped the car door handle and uttered yet another prayer, “God please help me.” Jeff came out and I told him we might need to go to Doctor’s Hospital (10 minutes) instead of OSU (20-25 minutes). As he was about to pull out of our neighborhood going north I said, “we need to go to Doctor’s.” He swerved to the south and proceeded to speed down Broad street. Minutes later we were walking into the ER, me hanging onto Jeff with almost all my weight. Next I was being wheeled in a chair by two female security guards over to labor and delivery. When they realized how close I was they picked up the pace.
This was quite the entrance to the birthplace of my fourth child. But what is also interesting is that up until less than an hour before this moment, I believed I was having a home birth.I had been seeing two midwives for prenatal appointments for months. I had purchased their birth kit, and gathered supplies of my own such as towels and receiving blankets. The month before, we finally painted our sandy-colored bedroom and bathroom walls to be a beautiful neutral color, creating a nice space in which I could envision myself laboring, giving birth and recovering. I had hired a photographer and was so excited to capture these precious memories. I’ll admit I was also excited to share my story and my photos to let people know what is possible. I have loved reading natural birth stories, including home birth stories, for years and I wanted my story to be one of those that inspires others.
I was looking forward to having a water birth, something that always sounded so appealing to me. We had sanitized our own spacious tub for this purpose.
My girls were excited to be present. My oldest loves hearing me talk about birth and seeing pictures and sometimes videos of births. I know from the many stories I’ve read and watched that children can do really well with the process of birth.
So how did we get to this point of racing to the nearest hospital, just in time for me to deliver? Well, it fits right along with everything else in 2020, doesn’t it! So many things have been different than we expected.
I feel very blessed that for my birth, the matter of my own safety and that of my baby was actually not the concern that led to this sudden change of plans. There is a strange set of circumstances that went into play, and whenever that happens, I know that it was just simply meant to be. I may not know the reason, but I am completely at peace with the way my birth panned out. It was actually awesome and now that it’s over I love the story.
So let me back up a bit. The week before, on Tuesday, I had seen a friend, as I often do. We made salt dough ornaments with the kids and had a lovely time. Talked a lot about birth in fact. As we often do. :) Well two days later she was sick, and on the third day her husband was confirmed to have COVID-19. My first reaction was of gratitude that I was not sick! I told this to my mom, who was planning to arrive Monday to help me. My mom has MS and was not willing to risk getting COVID. She would be delaying her flight until I got a negative test. This is when I realized that even though I believed I was not sick, in order to responsible I would need to not only get tested, but isolate and tell people that I had potentially been exposed.
To add to the matter, Friday night I had contractions. Those didn’t go anywhere and I was able to sleep.
Saturday night I had contractions the entire night. I lied in bed and breathed through each one. I was being very mindful and thinking about the baby, who I could feel stirring sometimes right before a contraction. They didn’t pick up, but they just kept coming, such that I didn’t get any sleep. The contractions continued into the morning this time.
Here, my emotional climate is worth mentioning. I was clearly in early labor, but I was having a hard time accepting it because I was not at peace with my circumstances. This labor was earlier than I had anticipated - three days before the due date. My mom’s arrival was now uncertain, and not only that, but because of the circumstances I was worried about finding anyone who could watch the kids while I labored. Also, I needed to let the midwives know the situation and see what their policy was.
I called one of my midwives, and she said that because I didn’t have any symptoms they could still come. They would be wearing masks regardless. I texted a couple friends, explaining everything, to see if someone could come watch the kids.
There was just one more thing leaving me unsettled. I didn’t feel confident about how to know when to call the midwives. Part of me knew that once I’m in active labor, things go quickly. But as it was, with contractions consistently about 10 minutes apart, it wasn’t time. And I guess I was in that place where I was in pain, but there seemed to be no end in sight.
Also, to be honest, and I shared this with several close friends and family members during my pregnancy — despite believing in natural birth and wanting to do a home birth, in some ways I had also been dreading it, for months. I knew that labor is hard and I was not excited about it. Well here I was, in labor, with children all around, and the events of the day and the week totally uncertain.
My dear friend got a hold of an N95 mask and was ready to come as soon as we needed her. I just kept breathing through contractions, telling Jeff I wasn’t feeling brave enough to want them to get harder, but wanting to get it over with at the same time. The midwife thought maybe they were just warm ups - which I sort of knew better than that, but that thought was in my mind also making me miserable.
It was Sunday. I went on a walk because that was sort of in my vague birth plan. Called my sister and told her about the stress. We did our little sacrament as a family. Jeff gave me a priesthood blessing. Eventually we decided to watch Book of Mormon videos on our TV downstairs. At this point I tried the hot rice bag Jeff made for me 8 years ago for my labor with Elena. That felt good. I tried to get comfortable watching the videos but it wasn’t going very well. At one point I turned from being on my right side to being on my left.
There was a little pop and I was wet. My water broke! That had never happened to me in early labor before.
Well this was exciting though intense news. This was really happening. I texted the midwife, expecting her to say they would come right away. I knew things would be picking up here.
Well a few minutes later the other midwife called and informed me that according to their policy they actually could NOT attend my birth with my COVID status unknown.
So that was kind of big news, and yet I didn’t feel shocked or distraught. At this point, I honestly felt relieved. I knew I just needed to get to the hospital and then I would have my baby. I was even thinking I would like an epidural. I was tired of being in pain and feeling fear.
I texted my friend to come. Jeff and I started packing in between contractions. Things were getting more intense, and I was having a harder time coping with the pain. Also the girls were dealing with the shock of suddenly finding out they would not be able to see the birth. In addition, their parents are leaving for at least one night. There were some tears. We showed them love. I knew it would be hard for them, but that they would also grow from this experience.
These last few minutes before leaving I was definitely praying for help. No eloquent words, just “God, please help me.”
God does hear these prayers of course. And I think I received his help in the form of clarity. It began to dawn on me that the reason I was in so much pain was because I was close to being ready to push. This honestly gave me so much hope. There is a purpose to this pain! And it also gave me the clarity that this car ride I was dreading needed to be as short as possible, and that going to a different hospital than we would normally go to was important and necessary. So as we sped down the road, while I was bracing the inside of the car at the pain, I was starting to feel more peace.
I return now to the picture of me being wheeled down the hall by the security guards. One asked if I could tell her when I was having a contraction. I was moaning and closing my eyes. “I’m pushing.” I really was bearing down. I knew it was so close. They started running. We arrived in a small empty room, with nothing but a bed/table. I said “clothes...” They cheerfully responded “oh don’t you worry,” and something about who was coming to help. Well I stood up, tore off the robe I was wearing. Pulled down my pants and got on that table on my hands and knees. I was about to push out a baby.
People were arriving. Someone helped me turn over, which was fine, but then they did the typical attempt to get me on my back (I’m so tired of that) “WHY?” I demanded. I said I’ve delivered two babies on my side (upon reflection I realized that was not accurate - only one - but I know I wanted to twice). They relented, saying “alright, we’ll just have to have someone hold your leg.” That’s right, you will. Amazing the conversations we have to have sometimes when we’re about to push out a human.
So I was pushing! It took maybe 5 minutes. I wrote in my journal that I felt the familiar raw, dry, stretching sensation, but I was less afraid of it. I was totally committed and knew it was almost over. Jeff showed up from parking the car just in time. The head came partially out, and they let me know I needed one more push. Then a few more pushes and that body was out.
Oh! Cries of joy - I did it! I was SO relieved it was over. I got to hold his slimy body on my belly as I just basked in the relief. Yes!!!!
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| Our beautiful James is here! He was 9.0 lbs Of all the things I tried to visualize, I at least got this right I was hoping for a 9 lb baby (and not much bigger) |
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| Our handsome boy Of course, I have no pictures of the birth -- this is hours later |
I will say that the hours post partum, I was mourning the loss of my home birth a little bit. I had heard amazing things about the post partum period, resting on your own bed, no one poking and prodding you. As it was, I was wheeled to another room before my placenta even came out. After it was delivered, a student proceeded to sew me up (first degree tear) with the OB watching over and correcting her. I was being asked a barrage of questions, having my blood pressure checked, and being invited to try breastfeeding whilst the cuff was tightening around my arm. It was a little frustrating and kind of amusing, but I knew it was just the nature of having not only a hospital birth, but one in a hospital where they have no information about you.
That first night, I communicated with my nurse that I wanted to sleep, and she kindly minimized the number of people coming in and said I could call her for my vitals when I was up feeding the baby anyway. So that was very nice.
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| The relief after an unmedicated birth is so big And my recovery this time has been amazing! |
This robe was one choice that helped my hospital experience be a little more pleasant! So much easier to nurse in than those gowns with the confounded snaps! Also it's soft and I feel beautiful in it. Highly recommend!
I feel so blessed and at peace. I am so grateful that I had a smooth delivery and that I have a healthy baby. It was quite the day, but once I gave birth I just felt so grateful for the crazy journey, and that God had helped me through it. Also, despite not having the home birth I was envisioning, I did feel very empowered and in control as I entered the hospital. I knew exactly what my body was doing and I was in charge. So in that sense, I had the beautiful birth I was hoping for.
