Despite having done it twice before, and despite being in really great mental and physical shape before becoming pregnant, first trimester knocked me down again! It's just hard to not feel well enough to do anything, but bored/sad that you can't do anything. And despite all the emotional progress I had made, I was really struggling to be excited to have a baby (babies are the hardest thing I've ever done, are you kidding me? Why am I doing this!) or to even be able to acknowledge the reality that it was happening. I preferred to stay in denial.
God's words to Eve in Genesis were becoming pretty real to me:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children;
Genesis 3:16
Sorrow! Does anyone else feel it at times? Also, I found it helpful to read that the footnote for 'multiply' says that the Hebrew means"increase thy discomfort and thy size (i.e. in the condition and process of pregnancy)." Definitely relevant and validating. It's part of the process.
Well, now I'm in second trimester and feeling much better. I've been able to exercise again, which feels great physically and helps my sanity. I'm getting more excited to meet this little girl as well.
Yesterday I posted this photo to my instagram stories of me doing crow pose. That morning I did some living room zumba/pilates/yoga. For maybe twenty minutes. That's how I roll. I'm sore today!
Then later that day for a little reality check I also shared this photo of me, literally lying in my laundry on my bed. (I guess I lost the original file, sorry)
I was tired! I was also sad because it seemed like my two year old, Abby, was starting to lose the afternoon nap. I had tried quiet time for the first time, and it worked, but only for the 25 minutes I had my timer going (start small). Now, both girls were on separate devices, which I didn't really feel great about, and I felt like I couldn't get up. Not a good feeling.
I share this because something interesting happened with Elena that served as a reminder to me of the fact that we can always turn our day around.
Earlier, in the process of teaching Elena about nap time, she had been defiant and disobedient and lost the previously discussed privilege of having candy after quiet time. I have recently embraced rewards, a big step for me, and it's been very useful! Well needless to say she was very upset and had a hard time with it. Watching Abby get a treat for staying in her room was also difficult. But we got through the afternoon.
Eventually I was able to get myself up, get the girls off the phones, and started folding laundry, and listening to music to brighten my day. Elena folded some towels to work toward earning her daily dime for doing three jobs (another new thing for me!) She was so cheerful and said, "this is a great day! I'm so glad we could go see my new pre-school this morning."
It just struck me what a change this was from earlier. But I also felt better. Sure I felt kind of lazy when I was lying in my bed, but I tried to give myself compassion and thought, "I'm tired. I'm pregnant, and I exercised, and did a lot this morning, and I'm tired." I also practiced some thought work I have learned from Jody Moore (Bold New Mom podcast -- listen to it!) and let myself feel sad about the nap time thing, but not let it escalate to worry. Anxiety, she teaches, is always about the future. I told myself, even if she doesn't nap anymore, I will figure it out. It will be ok.
And now we were busy folding laundry and/or playing as the case may be. It would be a fine day!
Something I heard once that stuck with me, is when you are in one of those low moments (like lying on your bed feeling like you can't get up, and feeling lame about it) is to think, "what is the next right thing?" Don't worry about the past, don't worry about the future. Just take the next step forward. We can all do that, at any given moment! So I tried to take this opportunity to point out to Elena how before she was having a hard time, and now she was feeling so much better, and how we can always turn our day better. This led to having a family home evening lesson on Enos and repentance. Such a gift we have, to always be able to change.
Overall, I have been learning and growing so much lately, and if anyone wants to talk about the deeper aspects of motherhood or life, you know where to find me! I want nothing more than to have these conversations.
Have a great day!
