I want to share my experience this weekend in case it will help someone.
There is so much background I COULD give, I almost don't know where to start. I could explain how well I've been doing emotionally and spiritually lately. I could mention that I currently take Kuvan, a drug for my PKU to help me metabolize protein better, thus allowing me to eat more of it. I could add something about Jody Moore and Hunter Clarke-fields and all that I'm learning from listening to their podcasts (Bold New Mom and Mindful Mamma). I could touch on my years of thoughts about and questions on and passion for the complex relationship between mental health and spirituality.
But I'll just jump right in. This Saturday was the general women's meeting of general conference. I was excited. I went to the church and soaked it all in. I came with questions. I took notes. I knew these messages were profound, relevant, true and what I needed to hear.
But at some point during the meeting I noticed I felt sad. I felt emotional pain. I thought "man this is hard. It's hard to feel so far away from God." And, trying to internalize the messages, thought, "well the one who bridges that gap is Christ. So I must need to draw closer to Christ to
feel peace...But I'm already trying to draw close to him every day! I guess I just need to press forward going through the motions even though I don't feel the good feelings."
Not a fun feeling or thought process. It is hard to put it into words, it may sound silly the way I described it, but it was very deep and very real. This, to me is depression.
I wasn't super worried, because I knew I could press forward (I have increased in my capacity to do this over the years). I did so on Sunday and had a fine day, but still couldn't shake the dark, empty feeling. When depressing feelings come it is hard to remember when they weren't there or imagine them going away. It feels like it will always be this way.
I felt really confused about this though, because I had very recently, just earlier that week, been doing really well. Like, facing adverse circumstances with presence of mind, optimism, gratitude and joy. (See recent instagram posts) Experiencing genuine peace.
I have also been learning a lot about thoughts from Jody Moore. Thoughts cause feelings. But I didn't have a thought that made me sad, I was just sad. I didn't have anything going on my life that was sad, I just felt sad.
I was explaining this to my husband, and he asked, "Did you take your kuvan this week?"
I gasped. There were two days, Tuesday and Friday, when I forgot to take it. I hadn't noticed anything until then, but at that moment it clicked. I was experiencing depression. But this time it wasn't from circumstances or thought processes, it was because, if I am correct, my higher protein diet without kuvan had cause a higher blood Phe level which messed with the neurotransmitters in my brain. I can't prove this because I didn't take a blood level. But I am convinced that is what it was. (BTW this is the whole reason I have a low-protein diet -- untreated PKU causes neurological damage)
I share this because
1) I have so much sympathy for people who have clinical depression. It is such a horrible feeling. I think it is especially painful when you have the fullness of the gospel and understand God's plan of salvation. It is just so confusing to experience such mental pain when you strive to follow the Prince of Peace. To those of you with this struggle, you are incredibly strong and I pray for you.
2) To raise awareness about depression and to raise questions about the complex relationship between mind, body and spirit. Little episodes of depression like this or longer have dotted my life. But I am also close to people who have more chronic mental health challenges. So I speak from a place years of experience dealing with this.
My experience this weekend was unique in that it was almost completely biological, but I personally believe there are many causes and therefore many solutions to mental health challenges. Figuring out which ones are right for you and putting them into practice can take years, but I believe there is a lot of hope and healing available. Again, I am not trying to oversimplify, but I have seen this happen. I should probably write a whole different post, or blog, or book about this.
Taking a broad rather than a narrow view of mental illness opens up so much potential for growth and improvement. I believe in a holistic approach. Specifically, I support sleep, exercise, therapy, medication, personal spiritual devotional practices, introspection, thought work, self-care, self-compassion, meditation, yoga, relationships, all of it!
3) Faith still is the answer. I thank Heavenly Father that my husband had that insight and we were able to figure that out. One thing that led to that was me remembering how I felt earlier and knowing that was real, and wondering what the difference was.
Faith is a choice. Sometimes pressing forward in the darkness is what defines our faith.
I think I could write or talk about this for hours. So I will just leave it at that for now.
