Peace in the Wilderness

Most people who know me know that I do not enjoy living in Arizona. On top of that, it is also challenging to be "poor" (we have a low income, but we are truly very very rich) and to live in a ghetto apartment complex in a ghetto part of town. However, this morning as my husband and I talked again about what we might do when our lease is up in April, we decided that we probably will stay, with our two girls, in this two-bedroom apartment. It's crazy! But it's just not worth moving and spending more money each month to live in something only slightly better than what we have now. So it just feels right. And I can accept that. And that will make it all the more exciting when he graduates and we move on to a different lifestyle, which, however modest it may be, will likely be plenty better than the one we're living now.

I appreciate my simple life. And I love being a mother! Not because it's always glorious or enjoyable (though what life path is?), but because I know it's my eternal calling and so it is fulfilling on a deep level. There is nothing like the peace of knowing I am doing the most important thing I could be doing. And, it is wonderful.

Check out that awesome crazy-baby-face caught on camera

A feminist once told me a woman should only be a full-time mom if that feels empowering to her. I thought that was strange. Is it all about power? Well, that could be a whole different discussion, but to me, there is nothing more "empowering," than relying on the enabling power of Christ's atonement every day to do things and become someone you didn't think possible. My transition to two children was easier than my transition to one, because I am a different person than I was two years ago! I am way stronger, more capable, more mature, and less selfish and lazy. Also, I have so much joy from my two girls, and from the perspective that they are mine forever and that each phase will last only a short time.

As the wonderful song says,

"God gave us families
to help us become what He wants us to be.
This is how He shows His love
For the family is of God."

So while there are a lot of things I'm going without right now, I am grateful for the way my simple life gives me the opportunity to focus on what I can do to become who God wants me to become. So that when we get to the point where we can have more of the things that I think will make me happy (a yard, for example), I will have learned what God wanted me to learn. Because after all, He knows  best what will make me happy.

As part of our Sunday morning routine, Elena and I watch Music and the Spoken word, and then watch a few Bible videos before she watches Baby Einstein and I shower. I love the way the Bible videos help Christ and His teachings come to life for me.

A few weeks ago we watched His sermon on "consider the lilies," and it has really stuck with me and has helped me get through challenges with peace.

Watch this and I'm sure you'll be touched by the way the actor for Christ assures us that we have no need to fear or worry about temporal things like food and clothes.



Christ said, "fear not."

Why don't we need to fear?

The things that stood out to me (and I love the way he says them in this video) are,

"Your Father knoweth that ye have need of these things."

and

"It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

Heavenly Father knows what we really need, and He loves us and wants to give us those things.

Stress comes when we see a disconnect between our expectations and our reality. This often happens when we feel we don't have enough time or energy to do the things we feel we need to do. I know having a newborn there were definitely days where I felt I legitimately had not got enough sleep to take care of a toddler and baby all day. I tried to keep this scripture in mind.

What I learned is that if we seek first the kingdom of God, everything will be ok. If we align our lives with our priorities, it removes a lot of stress! We can't do everything, but we can do whatever it is God wants us to do, if that is our desire.

Some night-time poetry

Listen to this song.

I grew up listening to BYU Singers. My parents met in BYU Singers. My 5th and final year at BYU I got into Singers. I sang this song.

This is a recording of a different year singing it.



This poem is a little window into my soul tonight...  

Water Night

Night.

Baby is in bed.

I need to listen to music

Need to feed my soul

I lost patience today.

Clingy baby

Hot desert

Lack of beauty.

As I listen now

It seems clear

I must simply do what is most important

Let me let go of things that don’t matter.

Eric Whitacre choral music

Water night.

Me

singing Water Night in

Glaucester Cathedral

in England.

What a different life!

An oh, my soul.

How my soul used to FEEL.

If you close your eyes

A river

A silent, and beautiful currant

As I listen I finally FEEL

Fills you from within

My stressed body and soul thaw

And I feel.

The currant flows forward

Oh the beauty

The incredible liquid sound

human voices can make

when blended together

The rich contrast of male and female voices.

How deeply I used to feel.

As I say this to myself I think,

What am I saying?

I have a child.

I have an eternal companion.

If you open your eyes

Let this kingdom of deep

love

open to me

I have it within me.

God, let my soul come out

I want to feel.

Night breathes its wetness

To beaches in your soul.

My Testimony and Recent Lessons in Motherhood

Friends, acquaintances...whomever might be reading this. Can I just share some things that I know? Sometimes I use this blog to update family and friends about trips and happenings, but often it is just a place to share my thoughts. I am a thinker. I believe every trait comes with opportunities for strengths and weaknesses. So yes, sometimes I think too hard and it is a hinderance to happiness. But being a thinker is one of my core traits, and when I have the Lord on my side, weak things become strong and it's one thing I do best!

First some things I know. This Sunday in fast and testimony meeting I didn't bare my testimony, so maybe I'll do that know.

"All things denote there is a God"
Alma 30:44
Photo by Elisa Skidmore, Glacier National park

I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father. He hears our prayers! He has a plan for us. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. Somehow he suffered and died to pay the price for our sins, so that we can become clean. Not only can we be become clean (justification) but we can grow! We can change, learn, become better, overcome weaknesses , and eventually even become perfect through Him (sanctification). This is God's plan for us. He values agency (the ability to choose) so much that he lets us make mistakes and suffer in this life so that we can learn for ourselves, how to choose the good.

I know that Jesus Christ has restored His church to the earth through a modern prophet, Joseph Smith. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the divinely inspired institution God has given us on earth to help us live the gospel of Jesus Christ. It contains the God's priesthood power, the saving ordinances, living prophets, and the opportunity to be refined by serving in His kingdom. I know that the Book of Mormon is true. When I read it I feel the Spirit telling me it is the word of God. It testifies of Christ and teaches how to come to Him.

Now for some thoughts.

I am so grateful that God gives us commandments. He has high standards for us! He wants us to become. The past few weeks I have really felt Him help me change. But I had to put in the effort. This recent video explains that concept really well.

The specific things I have been learning lately are within motherhood. Sometimes it's hard to be patient and optimistic, especially when you don't get very much sleep. My ability to be a happy, loving mom was going up and down so I was feeling bad about my weaknesses.

[For some background-- I didn't know much about babies before having one. I didn't really research sleep training or know what the options were other than some things I knew I didn't want to do. So for all of Elena's life (just over a year now) she has mostly fallen asleep nursing. This has worked pretty well for us. It is a sacrifice at times, but I am a full-time mom of only one...so I have time. Every time it's gotten hard I have searched my soul and usually learned something new (or got through that rough teething phase) and felt peace about continuing. Also, overall, as anyone who knows us will know, Elena is a very happy girl. She gets a lot of love and attention and is very bright and doing very well. But lately it is gradually started eating at me that my one-year old does not know, I repeat does. not. know. how to put herself to sleep. It is hard for me but also makes me feel bad she doesn't have that skill. As she gets bigger and bigger it becomes even more difficult when she's in a fighting mood because she is more capable of fighting ]

My precious baby girl

The past few weeks as I have strived to do God's will, prayed about my concerns, studied the scriptures and sought the companionship of the Holy Ghost in my life, I have felt two contrasting things happening at the same time:

1)
God has answered my prayers and helped me be more patient. Our wonderful lesson in Relief Society this Sunday helped with that as well. Over the past few weeks I have tried and sometimes stumbled, but I have learned that when opposition comes (i.e. lack of sleep, needy baby, long days), I can pray for and strive to have faith, hope and charity anyway. God has helped me choose to be more compassionate to my baby when I'm feeing tired. He has helped me in my efforts to not resent her for my lack of sleep. I have learned to trust God. That with His help I can do this. That He will never give me something I can't handle. That He really knows what's best for me.

2) 
At the same time I have been prompted by things I've read and thoughts I've had that I do need sleep and God knows that. I have felt peace about my initial ignorance of sleep training. For some time now I've known I will do things very differently with the next baby. But I have been at a total loss to know what to do with my 1 year old who doesn't know how to put herself to sleep.  But I have felt peace from God and support for my husband as we've begun trying some things in order to make a change. I am continuing to research. Something I learned a while back really serves me well here: Do your research, then be still and listen to your heart. These are delicate things. Every baby is different. No one blog or one person has the answer. Another thing I've realized (perhaps again) lately is that it's ok that I have no idea what I'm doing as a mother, as long as I am filled with love and living in the present. No use worrying about the past or the future.

Just an experience reminding me that God helps us to both accept our circumstances, and to change them. Mostly He helps us change inside, and that is a miracle.

Our little Family in San Fran (SF Part 2)

The week sort of flew by with my parents, and on Friday Jeff arrived! His presentation at the conference went really well. It was wonderful to be together again!

Eating at Persian restaurant

Elena eating rice

funny TURtle face

Point Bonita Lighthouse. This was a lovely walk! Elena enjoyed it and that made me happy. She liked watching the waves crash against the rocks.

 Golden Gate Bridge

Jeff and I on our way to Alcatraz... 

Very cool tour. Lovely date for us.

Solitary confinement for bad behavior. Totally dark when the doors are shut.

On the pier!

We went on a romantic stroll around the Palace of the Fine Arts as instructed by my mom. :)

We played a game! ...And it was fun!