An October Night

Tonight, five of us lied on the trampoline looking up at the cloud-streaked, star-specked sky as our backyard campfire died down. I read How to Scare a Ghost, Where the Wild Thing Are, and Goodnight Moon. The oldest child read her A to Z Mystery book with a flashlight. I sang song after song while the three-year-old drifted off to sleep, snuggling with a barely awake Daddy.

Yes, it was as magical as it sounds. 

I was singing songs that mean a lot to me. It was like connecting my childhood to that of my children. 

Songs from BYU Choirs - my college days, when my faith was strong and pure in its young way.

 

The sure provisions of my God

Attend me all my days

Songs from my youth driving around in the family van, listening to Charlotte Church. Songs I sang at the piano.

A bit of earth

She wants a little bit of earth

She’ll plant some seeds

Songs from Barbara Streisand that cut all the way through to my soul because they ring so true. 

The more I live, the more I learn

The more I learn, the more I realize

The less I know

Hymns. The simple Christian hymns like How Great Thou Art, that were always powerful, and will always be powerful. 

God is God. My understanding of Him changes and evolves as I evolve. But He is still God. Unlimited by my limitations. 

I’m so grateful for the healing I’ve experienced this year. Yesterday I turned 33. I didn’t do anything grand. My day did include yoga, quiet time for my school-work, a beautiful Fall bouquet from Jeff, hand-written cards from the children, a scented candle from a sweet colleague of Jeff. 

I love Fall. But deeper than my enjoyment of this season right now, is a return of peace for me, after a long time of wrestling. After a season of exploring the freedom and fluidity of the yin side of spirituality, I am remembering the grounded nature of the yang. The safety that structure provides. 

At our stake conference last weekend I felt very blessed to hear the words of Elder Kinard, the visiting Area Seventy as he taught us from the scriptures, that the day will come when we will know that Christ is the only person who can save us. He will advocate for us, if we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are how we show him that we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are one of the beautiful things the church gives us. 

This week I shared on social media that I started taking an anti-depressant this year. I feel blessed that for some reason, sharing that type of thing doesn’t scare me at all. After I published the post I looked back and could see all the ways in which I could have phrased things better. Also, it is hard to sum up 9 or 10 years of life in one little post. So it’s not as simple as “I’ve been depressed for 9 years, I tried self-help but I was still depressed so I decided to try medication and it worked.” It has been a whole journey with different chapters that gave me different things. 

From my days in the trenches with two babies, to thriving with three, to searching with four. It was changing my thought patterns here, life circumstances changing there, practicing meditation for a while, feeling lost for a while, healing in my family, feeling numb, breakdown and growth in my marriage, wrestling with spiritual questions, followed by getting what I feel is revelation at my stake conference.  Thank you to my mother for praying for me that week. I feel converted. I am different going forward from that weekend.

Each mile I travel only means

The more I have to go

What's wrong with wanting more?

If you can fly, then soar

With all there is, why settle for

Just a piece of sky?

I still have more to learn. But these words from Brent Nielson in General Conference resonate with me:

"I bear my witness of His desire to heal you."

My Testimony and Recent Lessons in Motherhood

Friends, acquaintances...whomever might be reading this. Can I just share some things that I know? Sometimes I use this blog to update family and friends about trips and happenings, but often it is just a place to share my thoughts. I am a thinker. I believe every trait comes with opportunities for strengths and weaknesses. So yes, sometimes I think too hard and it is a hinderance to happiness. But being a thinker is one of my core traits, and when I have the Lord on my side, weak things become strong and it's one thing I do best!

First some things I know. This Sunday in fast and testimony meeting I didn't bare my testimony, so maybe I'll do that know.

"All things denote there is a God"
Alma 30:44
Photo by Elisa Skidmore, Glacier National park

I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father. He hears our prayers! He has a plan for us. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. Somehow he suffered and died to pay the price for our sins, so that we can become clean. Not only can we be become clean (justification) but we can grow! We can change, learn, become better, overcome weaknesses , and eventually even become perfect through Him (sanctification). This is God's plan for us. He values agency (the ability to choose) so much that he lets us make mistakes and suffer in this life so that we can learn for ourselves, how to choose the good.

I know that Jesus Christ has restored His church to the earth through a modern prophet, Joseph Smith. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the divinely inspired institution God has given us on earth to help us live the gospel of Jesus Christ. It contains the God's priesthood power, the saving ordinances, living prophets, and the opportunity to be refined by serving in His kingdom. I know that the Book of Mormon is true. When I read it I feel the Spirit telling me it is the word of God. It testifies of Christ and teaches how to come to Him.

Now for some thoughts.

I am so grateful that God gives us commandments. He has high standards for us! He wants us to become. The past few weeks I have really felt Him help me change. But I had to put in the effort. This recent video explains that concept really well.

The specific things I have been learning lately are within motherhood. Sometimes it's hard to be patient and optimistic, especially when you don't get very much sleep. My ability to be a happy, loving mom was going up and down so I was feeling bad about my weaknesses.

[For some background-- I didn't know much about babies before having one. I didn't really research sleep training or know what the options were other than some things I knew I didn't want to do. So for all of Elena's life (just over a year now) she has mostly fallen asleep nursing. This has worked pretty well for us. It is a sacrifice at times, but I am a full-time mom of only one...so I have time. Every time it's gotten hard I have searched my soul and usually learned something new (or got through that rough teething phase) and felt peace about continuing. Also, overall, as anyone who knows us will know, Elena is a very happy girl. She gets a lot of love and attention and is very bright and doing very well. But lately it is gradually started eating at me that my one-year old does not know, I repeat does. not. know. how to put herself to sleep. It is hard for me but also makes me feel bad she doesn't have that skill. As she gets bigger and bigger it becomes even more difficult when she's in a fighting mood because she is more capable of fighting ]

My precious baby girl

The past few weeks as I have strived to do God's will, prayed about my concerns, studied the scriptures and sought the companionship of the Holy Ghost in my life, I have felt two contrasting things happening at the same time:

1)
God has answered my prayers and helped me be more patient. Our wonderful lesson in Relief Society this Sunday helped with that as well. Over the past few weeks I have tried and sometimes stumbled, but I have learned that when opposition comes (i.e. lack of sleep, needy baby, long days), I can pray for and strive to have faith, hope and charity anyway. God has helped me choose to be more compassionate to my baby when I'm feeing tired. He has helped me in my efforts to not resent her for my lack of sleep. I have learned to trust God. That with His help I can do this. That He will never give me something I can't handle. That He really knows what's best for me.

2) 
At the same time I have been prompted by things I've read and thoughts I've had that I do need sleep and God knows that. I have felt peace about my initial ignorance of sleep training. For some time now I've known I will do things very differently with the next baby. But I have been at a total loss to know what to do with my 1 year old who doesn't know how to put herself to sleep.  But I have felt peace from God and support for my husband as we've begun trying some things in order to make a change. I am continuing to research. Something I learned a while back really serves me well here: Do your research, then be still and listen to your heart. These are delicate things. Every baby is different. No one blog or one person has the answer. Another thing I've realized (perhaps again) lately is that it's ok that I have no idea what I'm doing as a mother, as long as I am filled with love and living in the present. No use worrying about the past or the future.

Just an experience reminding me that God helps us to both accept our circumstances, and to change them. Mostly He helps us change inside, and that is a miracle.

Gratitude and Submitting to God's Will

“I’m grateful that my baby slept through the night.”

“I’m grateful the weather is nice today.”

These are some examples of things I have thanked God for in the past few months. It is sometimes easy to be thankful for the good things in my life. But is the ability to be grateful dependent on “good things” happening to us? In other words does it depend on our circumstances? The scriptures teach us that we are to be thankful in all things. That is harder to do when undesirable things happen to us. After praying for those things I have sometimes wondered…

If my baby slept horribly would I be grateful?

If the weather wasn’t nice would I be grateful?

In the article “The Choice to Be Grateful,” President Eyring says, “All of us would like to feel gratitude, yet it is not easy to be consistently grateful in all things in the trials of life.” He teaches that it is only through the power of the Holy Ghost that we can see the blessing amidst the trials. I believe this requires submitting to God’s will.

In Mosiah 3:19 we learn that we need to humble ourselves like a child and become “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us].”

We are able to submit to God’s when we learn to trust Him. We must cultivate a belief that everything He does has a purpose and that He knows what is best for us.

The Book of Mormon teaches the valuable truth that The Lord “doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world.” (2 Nephi 26:24)

It is my feeling that when we are on God’s path we benefit form His wisdom and His  love, and therefore everything that happens to us is for our good. It is only when we stray and sin that things happen to us that are not for our good. God truly knows what is best for His children.

I learned a lot about submitting to God’s will in the first few weeks of my baby’s life. I was blessed with a beautiful healthy baby girl. It was really hard though because at first she had no idea that you were supposed to sleep at night and be awake during the day. Also breastfeeding was hard. She would often act hungry but then struggle and cry in protest when I would try to feed her. Sometimes feedings took two hours. I felt like I didn’t know how to meet her needs.  At night it took at least an hour to feed her and then another hour to get her to go to sleep. In those first few weeks she often didn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time at night. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting very much sleep. This was definitely an undesirable situation.

I realized early on that I don’t believe in praying for things that affect another person’s agency. It didn’t feel right to pray that my baby would sleep. [side note: This applies to marriage as well – you shouldn’t pray that your spouse will do or learn or become a certain thing. That’s not in your control] So what could I pray for?

I remember one night when she was just a couple weeks old I prayed that I would have:

• The strength to meet her needs
• Knowledge and understanding of how to meet her needs
• And patience if I didn’t have the strength or knowledge

That way it was in the Lord’s hands. He could teach me how to be a good mother, or if he saw fit he would let me flounder a bit and it would be ok for my baby and for me. I don’t remember exactly what happened that night, but I remember coming to embrace my role of feeding my baby. Also there was a shift in myself. I felt more concerned about meeting her needs than about getting to bed faster. I have written in my journal many times since having a baby something to the effect of, “as usual, submitting to God’s will ended up being better for me.”

In those early months I wrote about how I got better at knowing when the baby was full and therefore feedings were more successful. I began to be able to feed her and put her to sleep in only one hour, and she started sleeping for two hours at a time. I remember being so grateful for that! Also, frequently having to wake up and get up when you’d rather sleep, to take care of someone who needs you definitely teaches humility.

Learning to accept when things didn’t go well and appreciate when they did go well helped me feel peace instead of anxiety about the uncertainties of motherhood. I think during this time I became more submissive and learned to trust God.

I believe being grateful means believing that everything God does is for our good and therefore desiring and striving to see His hand in our lives – because we have faith that it’s there.

I haven't been doing the daily grateful thing on facebook this year. But here is my current Thanksgiving gratitude list.

I am grateful:

That I met Jeff and that we are married – because we are so right for each other

For the struggles we’ve had – because of how they have shaped both of us and the things I’ve learned

For my beautiful, darling, precious, healthy baby girl

For the wonderful blessing, opportunity, learning experience and eternal role of being a mother

That motherhood is so natural and that my instincts have served me well

For our financial security – as a young couple pursuing a doctorate degree I don’t take this for granted

For Avocado sushi rolls

For Pollo Loco – fresh, delicious, inexpensive fast food

To know that we’re in the right place – it’s been such a blessing to know that Jeff is in the right PhD program for him and that we are meant to be in Tempe, AZ during this phase of our lives

That the weather has cooled down in AZ

For Technology – I have always loved technology and I’m so grateful that with the internet and social media I can share my thoughts on my blogs, find recipes easily, connect with other people online, and read and share the word of God

That I am able to be a stay-at-home mom – I wouldn’t have it any other way for me and my family and I know it’s a blessing that I’m able to do this

For Music

For My family – what my parents taught me, all the good memories I have, and the relationships I have with my family today

That my sister Jenni is serving a mission – I am happy for all that she is going to learn and who she is going to become; I’m happy for the people she will bless – investigators, members, other missionaries, friends back home; that I get to learn from her experiences and our family is blessed by her service; to have a missionary in the family!

For the beauties of nature – I have always loved being outside and going on walks and hikes with those I love; there is peace in nature and it is easier to feel God’s presence

That I grew up in gorgeous western Washington – (even though it makes it hard to enjoy living in the dessert…) It’s neat how every part of the world and even the U.S. looks so different. I am also grateful I spent 6 years of my life in beautiful, mountainous four-seasoned Utah.

For zumba –it makes me so happy to dance and move my body

For the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ -- For the Book of Mormon testifying of Christ; for the true authority of God restored to the earth so we can have the ordinances of salvation; for the knowledge of God's Plan of Happiness; for Living Prophets on the earth again to guide is our lives

For My Relationship With God -- that I can always pray to Him; that He is patient with me as I slowly learn to trust Him and see His hand in my life

"More Holiness Give Me" Arranged by Ronald Staheli sung by BYU Choirs

Pre-made Salads and Life Lessons

Jeff wanted salads this week. I decided to make them all ahead of time instead of stressing the night before or the day of. (He makes his own lunches but he likes how I make salads)

Romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes and carrots

With red onion and sunflower seeds

After doing this I realized I should have made different variations. I have garbanzo beans, craisins and croutons I could have used as well. 

Anyway, bulk is always good for convenience and convenience is always good for promoting healthy behaviors. :)

I was on the ball today! The truth is I was inspired by General Conference as well as my sister who is on a mission. I've been trying to humble myself and have more meaningful prayers. Last night I prayed that I would be able to embrace whatever the night brings as far as feeding the baby. She has not been sleeping well so I was trying to embrace the possibility of another night like that. Well turns out this morning she slept until 6:00 am! And even after that feeding she went back to sleep for a few more hours. I decided to stay up instead of sleeping more. That helped me get a good start on my day -- I read the scriptures and had time to ponder and pray.

I learn this again and again -- The more I try to be a "good mom" (putting her needs first, giving her attention, helping her exercise her brain and body) the better things go for me! (I can put her down without her crying, she is happier, there is more time between feedings, feedings go better, and she sleeps longer for her nap and at night). What do you know! It's like how doing God's will, while it seems like a sacrifice, always is better in the end.

So anyway, I've been trying to turn more to the Lord in the details of my day and I had a great day! I got grocery shopping done before 10:00 am (I LOVE that feeling), made these salads, practiced singing, and had hours to work on my talk for church next week while the baby took a really long wonderful nap. I know God's blessings don't always manifest themselves in a smooth day...but today I was grateful they did!

God is good!

Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.

D&C 19:23

To AZ!

On August 1 Elena turned 6 weeks old and we headed out in a moving truck for Arizona! She did great on the drive -- mostly slept. I pumped in the car.

In the Uhaul!

Kelsey (I know from Kent, WA) and her husband Alex came to help us move in, which we appreciated so much! It went really quick with their help. It will be fun to have them close by. Also, Mamma and Papa Skidmore came with us for the move and helped SO much.

Kelsey, Delaynie (6 months), Elena (6 weeks) and Me

Moving boxes inside went quick, but unpacking those boxes went a lot slower than I had anticipated. I just can't get as much done in a day with a little baby to take care of and feed! So I had to practice some acceptance and get used to that. Eventually I got everything unpacked and decorated. It felt so good!

We love our new apartment. Definitely a lot more spacious than our old basement apartment - which, don't get me wrong, we loved - it was perfect for us for that year.

We feel that we are in the right place. Jeff is loving his research position. We love our ward! We've made friends already which I don't take for granted because that seemed hard to do for some reason in our huge Provo ward.

One of the coolest things -- my friend Serena is here! We met in a health class at BYU -- Chronic Disease, I believe, back when we were both as single as can be. This is us on a hike in Rock Canyon on St. Patrick's Day in 2011. 

It's been a few years, but it was so exciting to find out we would be in the same city. Little did we know, we would be in the same ward! I was feeding a Elena in the mother's lounge at church and in walks Serena. So cool! Serena is one of those people who just says it like it is and puts me at ease. : ) 

Serena's little Kai was due June 26 and born on the 24h. Elena was due the 24th and born on the 22nd. So they are just 2 days apart! It's fun to have a friend with a baby the same age. We're already exchanged babysitting!

Kai and Elena

Today Elena and I went swimming! I thought a swim would be good. By the way, people keep asking how I'm surviving the heat. It's more like, how do I survive staying inside all the time. You just don't go out when it's 110 degrees! So I'd been getting a little stir crazy and I thought a morning swim would be a great way to get out. Plus it would be refreshing and a little bit of exercise.

So I got Elena in her swimming suit (please note, it is supposed to be for a 3 month old and she's bulging out of it!), put her in the car seat and took her over to the pool. I got in for a minute before bringing her in. I think she liked it!

After the initial shock of coming into the air-conditioned apartment in a wet swimming suit, she fell asleep after drying off and being wrapped in a blanket. I was grateful cuz that meant I got to shower really quick!

Tomorrow Elena will be 2 months old!

Birth Story

Our beautiful Elena is here. She is perfect. We are so happy. I wanted to share my birth story for anyone who is interested.

In addition to telling the story of the birth I want to acknowledge how we saw God’s hand in the labor and delivery process. I also want to express how grateful I am for modern medicine and medical professionals.

Just the right time

I think there is always some anxiety towards the end of a pregnancy, knowing that the birth is coming soon but not knowing when and having virtually no control over it. You have mixed feelings – you’re excited to meet your precious child, you’re really looking forward to not being pregnant any more as things are getting more uncomfortable. You’re also nervous for going through the pain of giving birth as well as the huge responsibility of taking care of a child.

We felt all of these things. We also were trying to plan a lot of family events and travels around this birth. We really didn’t know when would be best and of course we couldn’t control it anyway. So over the past few weeks we had been praying that she would come at the right time for her, for us, and for our family.

This week I had pretty much accepted that she wouldn’t come yet. Her due date was Monday June 24 and based on my lack of progression my doctor didn’t think she would come early. I felt prompted to make plans and stay busy. This made sense to me because if I had been waking up every day thinking, “it could be today!” I would just end up being nervous, anxious and depressed with the disappointment and anticipation. So I am happy to say I made plans and had a good week.

Here maybe I’ll add a few details about the birth story timeline. Monday night I had a lot of contractions during the night. It was a little hard for me, I was used to sleeping pretty well and only getting up a time or two to use the restroom. At one point I think I had three contractions in one hour. This was hard not just because it was a bit painful, but because it got my mind in labor mode. I was visualizing the contractions getting worse and us going to the hospital. So it was a mental shift when in the morning it seemed clear that wasn’t going to happen. I went on a walk and went about my day accomplishing things.

This is why I was grateful that I had felt prompted to make plans. I had contractions every night that week. And while it made for rough nights, I was really grateful to be able to move on in the morning and have a good day. I continued going on my daily walks all week. I think exercising really helped my pregnancy, birth and recovery process, by the way.

Back to the timing: we thought it would be nice if she was born on a weekend so Jeff wouldn’t have to miss work to be there at the birth and help me adjust to the change in the following days and nights. I wasn’t counting on it though because she was due on Monday. We also thought it would be nice if I wasn’t during the night because Jeff doesn’t do well staying up….

We got one of those wishes, not the other, and also a surprise – she was born on our Anniversary!

She was born on the weekend – Saturday morning. Jeff doesn’t work on Fridays so he was there that day too.

I was in labor all night so Jeff didn’t get his wish there. But God made up for that in other ways. Thursday night Jeff was so tired he actually went to bed at 6 pm…and slept until 6 am. That was the night I had the worst contractions, so he was up with me a bit to offer comfort and support, but there wasn’t much he could do, so mostly he slept. Also, Thursday was the one day I didn’t make any plans, and I ended up taking two naps that day instead of one. I think that was good preparation for being in labor all night the next day.

Pre-labor

Thursday night was pretty hard. My contractions were painful, and they were happening almost every 5 to 10 minutes. Definitely kept me from sleeping. And yet they weren’t close enough together to merit going to the hospital. I went back and forth between laying in bed trying to bear it and getting up and walking around. I eventually resorted to playing games on the computer between contractions. By 4 in the morning I was so tired, and would almost fall asleep, but a contraction would come again without fail. This was all very discouraging.

By Friday morning the contractions were almost always 5 minutes apart, so I felt like that was close enough to the recommended 3-5 minutes; plus they were just so consistent. So we decided to go to the hospital. They let us in for a labor check. I’m really glad they do that. It’s actually nice to be able to be in the labor and delivery unit and get a feel for what it’s like before you actually go into labor. So anyway, they had me sit there for an hour so see if I progressed at all during that time.

I sat in a chair and breathed through each contraction. The time actually passed pretty quickly. I got better at embracing the contractions. Instead of breathing in a tense, glottal kind of way and griping the chair I was sitting in, I tried breathing smoothly through my nose and focusing on the pain in order to kind of accept it and let it pass instead of fighting it.

At the end of the hour I had not progressed. Then they gave me the option of walking around for an hour. So I gave that a try. I also stopped in my room a few times to try having a contraction with one leg up on the bed in order to encourage progression. But maybe that doesn’t work unless you’re actually in labor. Because it turned out I didn’t progress so I wasn’t really in labor.

Then they gave me the welcome option of having a morphine shot in my hip. I liked this idea because it would give me relief from the contractions I’d been having all night and allow me to sleep a little! If I did go into labor later that day I thought it would be really difficult without having got any sleep the night before. I will probably say this again, but I am so grateful for drugs! That shot really helped my day. I got a four hour nap. I still had some contractions, but they were not as frequent and not as bad.

Labor

This is the least fun part of the whole experience. But I got through it. Friday I did feel some anxiety because I felt it was likely that I would go into labor, and that was scary! But I also wasn’t sure.

As the evening wore on my contractions started getting steadier again. They weren’t quite a close together as they were before. But I remember when I got out of the shower I just did not feel good. I felt kind of achy. I really wanted to go to the hospital. Soon enough my contractions got more intense and I felt my whole uterus spasming. I got the shakes. I couldn’t really relax through it any more. I threw up for the first time in months. I felt a little scared and out of control. So we got in the car once again, this time I felt a lot more distressed but way more confident I would be admitted.

I was admitted. This was between 6 and 7 pm.  For a while I continued to feel out of control. I wanted pain meds! My nurse was so great and made me feel like I wasn’t a baby. I couldn’t have meds yet though, because they had to see if I was progressing, or in other words, in active labor. But it’s funny I remember all of a sudden I was so tired I just closed my eyes and kept breathing. I felt relaxed. When the nurse came back and asked how I was doing I said, “I’m about to fall asleep!” She was like, “How?” The out of control girl she just met was no longer there. So that was interesting.

I think I just kept breathing through as I progressed from a 3 to a 5. I tried getting a narcotic drip in my IV. Made me feel really relaxed…but didn’t really help the contractions fell any better. They were getting worse. The nurse assured me in honesty that they would get even worse. That’s when I decided to get an epidural.

A note about my “birth plan.” Around 6 months pregnant I started researching this like crazy. I looked into hypnobirthing, looked up pre-natal classes, read and listened to other birth stories. I felt that a natural birth seemed ideal, but I just couldn’t foresee how labor would be for me—I’d never done it before! I felt the most peace when I gave myself permission to get an epidural. I felt that the anxiety of trying not to get one would probably make the whole labor experience worse. My doctor assured me that I didn’t need to decide beforehand. So that’s where I left it.

So I got my epidural. I was told I lucked out and got the best anesthesiologist. It went fine. I appreciated not feeling the contractions. What surprised me is how much it bothered me that I couldn’t feel my legs. It actually made me pretty anxious. I guess it gave me a slight loss of control, which I don’t enjoy. But I just kept praying that I would be patient. Now that I couldn’t feel contractions, it was just a waiting game. I was just happy I made it till 1:30 am, dilated to a 5 before getting the epidural. I would recommend waiting as long as possible – because I hated not being able to feel and move my legs, and they just got more and more numb as time went on.

Finally around 6 in the morning when I was dilated to an 8 I remember I fell asleep. I asked the nurse if it was bad and she encouraged me to get some rest. I just thought it was so weird to be having such intense contractions (over a minute long and like 2 minutes apart) without feeling them.

Jeff was there with me the whole time by the way. Sometimes he would hold my hand. Sometimes he and I would both doze off. The sun came up on our anniversary and I was getting closer and closer to being able to push.

Pushing

It was around 7 am when I was fully dilated and the nurse said we were going to start pushing. Once again, very strange to be entering into such an intense physical process with no feeling in my lower body. But I was very grateful I couldn’t feel. The nurse guided my pushing. She and Jeff held my legs close to my chest – they felt like lead to me. She had Jeff count and I gradually figured out how to push productively despite not being able to feel. Eventually they got me a mirror so I could see. She kept telling me I was doing beautifully. She had the doctor come in to receive the baby. He explained that when I stop to take a breath I need to not let go of the pressure so we don’t loose what we’ve gained. That made sense. I did that and things got closer. As I watched that head crown and the doctor decided to give me an episiotomy I was so grateful I couldn’t feel. That made pushing pretty easy.

Delivery

I pushed for under an hour. I remember seeing the head coming out and hearing a nurse say, “You’re going to have a baby!” After that it was really fast. Out she came, all bloody, and crying! Besides being healthy, that cry just made me realize how alive she was. This baby that had been in my dark uterus, unknown by me, had a living soul! She had just had a traumatic experience and now she was here with us. My heart went out to her as my eyes followed her. She had to be checked by the NICU team first because there was light meconium in my water. She was fine though.

Jeff got to hold her hand and talk to her while she was cleaned up and weighed. It took longer than I would have liked for them to give me the baby. But it was really special to watch Jeff hold her because she just looked right up into his eyes and locked her gaze there. She knew her daddy’s voice.

I quickly became convinced of how perfect she is! As I watched them clean her off I thought she looked like the perfect size. She was 8 lbs. Not too big (my sisters and I were all well over 9 lbs, so I was nervous) and not too small. She has beautiful blue eyes, brown hair, and CHUBBY CHEEKS! This is following after the Bement pattern.

So it was an exciting moment. I could talk all about recovery and learning to breastfeed...but maybe we'll save that for another time. I just wanted to add again how grateful I am for hospitals, for pain relieving medicine, for helpful nurses. Labor is pretty intense but the whole process went pretty smoothly. I was really well taken care of afterwards too. They have it down to a system!

Best Anniversary gift ever! (the baby in the background...the flowers from Jeff were nice too)