Sunday, October 17, 2021

An October Night

Tonight, five of us lied on the trampoline looking up at the cloud-streaked, star-specked sky as our backyard campfire died down. I read How to Scare a Ghost, Where the Wild Thing Are, and Goodnight Moon. The oldest child read her A to Z Mystery book with a flashlight. I sang song after song while the three-year-old drifted off to sleep, snuggling with a barely awake Daddy.

Yes, it was as magical as it sounds. 

I was singing songs that mean a lot to me. It was like connecting my childhood to that of my children. 

Songs from BYU Choirs - my college days, when my faith was strong and pure in its young way.


The sure provisions of my God

Attend me all my days

Songs from my youth driving around in the family van, listening to Charlotte Church. Songs I sang at the piano.

A bit of earth

She wants a little bit of earth

She’ll plant some seeds

Songs from Barbara Streisand that cut all the way through to my soul because they ring so true. 

The more I live, the more I learn

The more I learn, the more I realize

The less I know

Hymns. The simple Christian hymns like How Great Thou Art, that were always powerful, and will always be powerful. 

God is God. My understanding of Him changes and evolves as I evolve. But He is still God. Unlimited by my limitations. 

I’m so grateful for the healing I’ve experienced this year. Yesterday I turned 33. I didn’t do anything grand. My day did include yoga, quiet time for my school-work, a beautiful Fall bouquet from Jeff, hand-written cards from the children, a scented candle from a sweet colleague of Jeff. 

I love Fall. But deeper than my enjoyment of this season right now, is a return of peace for me, after a long time of wrestling. After a season of exploring the freedom and fluidity of the yin side of spirituality, I am remembering the grounded nature of the yang. The safety that structure provides. 

At our stake conference last weekend I felt very blessed to hear the words of Elder Kinard, the visiting Area Seventy as he taught us from the scriptures, that the day will come when we will know that Christ is the only person who can save us. He will advocate for us, if we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are how we show him that we believe on his name. The ordinances and covenants are one of the beautiful things the church gives us. 

This week I shared on social media that I started taking an anti-depressant this year. I feel blessed that for some reason, sharing that type of thing doesn’t scare me at all. After I published the post I looked back and could see all the ways in which I could have phrased things better. Also, it is hard to sum up 9 or 10 years of life in one little post. So it’s not as simple as “I’ve been depressed for 9 years, I tried self-help but I was still depressed so I decided to try medication and it worked.” It has been a whole journey with different chapters that gave me different things. 

From my days in the trenches with two babies, to thriving with three, to searching with four. It was changing my thought patterns here, life circumstances changing there, practicing meditation for a while, feeling lost for a while, healing in my family, feeling numb, breakdown and growth in my marriage, wrestling with spiritual questions, followed by getting what I feel is revelation at my stake conference.  Thank you to my mother for praying for me that week. I feel converted. I am different going forward from that weekend.

Each mile I travel only means

The more I have to go

What's wrong with wanting more?

If you can fly, then soar

With all there is, why settle for

Just a piece of sky?

I still have more to learn. But these words from Brent Nielson in General Conference resonate with me:

"I bear my witness of His desire to heal you."

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